Thursday, May 12, 2011


I really want a gym membership.  I want to get toned and lose some weight and be able to wear my cute clothes again.  I want to have the energy to do everything I want to in a day again.  My weight is starting to get out of hand, especially since I'm barely five feet tall.  I miss the body I used to have when I was active, before the car accident in 2008.  I miss feeling beautiful.  I miss everything about that, especially being healthy.  I used to be ridiculously healthy, I never got sick, ever, except when I got sick epically, which only happened about once a year, sometimes once every couple of years.

I miss how my hair was before I started dyeing it in 2008.  (That just seems to be the year of everything being fucked.)  It's a lot thinner now, though it's coming back and starting to feel healthy again, but I'm starting to think it'll never be as thick or as beautiful as it was.  I don't know what I was thinking.

I miss having a job and feeling like I was doing something.  It doesn't matter if it's retail or not, at least it's not being useless all the time, which is how I feel so often now.  I'll probably even feel useless if I manage to get the whole of the house cleaned up and organized, and I still feel useless even though I'm helping out with the Toddler and the cooking.  I don't think these feelings will change unless I have a job, I don't feel like I'm contributing in a tangible way unless I am also earning money in addition to everything else I'm attempting to accomplish.  I want to be Superwoman, I want to do it all so I feel that I am worth having here.

I'm so different from how I was a few years ago.  I would have taken this life, these people, for granted, completely, just a few years ago.  I can't believe how much I have changed.  I don't like who I was and I am glad of the change, but I'm not sure I like who I am now.  I imagine I'd be fine with myself if I had a job.  It all seems to come down to my employment status.

I want to work on getting my driver's license this summer.  I want to actually work on it, actually practice enough that I will be able to drive in any condition, and that I won't be a road hazard to everyone around me.  I want my driver's license.  I want to be able to own a car and drive it.  I want to be independent.  (This does not mean I want to live alone.  I would go slowly insane if I lived alone, I don't think I'm equipped to be alone, but that kind of independence, especially if it came coupled with a job, would mean I would also be in the house less and drive S a lot less crazy.)

I want to be able to go somewhere outside of the house under my own power, alone, to go grocery shopping or run errands or whatever.  I want to be an adult.

I need to grow up.  It's time.  I'm not sure what that will mean, I'm not sure it's something I truly want, but I want to make some changes.  I want to eat better, join a gym and lose some fucking weight, get a job and a driver's license and a car, and get my debt paid off.  I want to feel worthy of the friendship and love that I have been offered in this house.

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