I try to be the best person I can be. I do my best to respect boundaries, be tactful, kind, and helpful to those I live with. I try to avoid accidental rudeness to people I don't know well and to people in public. I do my best not to talk so much, because I know I'm a talker, and I can be really, really annoying. I try to be the best friend possible, and avoid stepping on toes if I know there are places I can end up doing so.
I really want to make that clear. I try to respect the privacy of my friends (which is why, despite what I say about the personal lives of those I live with and am close to, there are no names mentioned, and I'm rather vague about certain subjects), I try to make sure everyone around me is comfortable.
I just don't know if that makes me a shadow. Does that mean that I am not a person? I spend so much time worrying about how everyone else is feeling, that I don't often make sure that I am actually happy, too. Most of the time I am. I am happy here. I am happy being part of this weird patchwork family. I just wish I had the balls to be a bitch when I feel like it. I wish I had the balls to tell people what I really think sometimes. This is not to say that I am not honest. I almost never lie. I hate lying, and I hate being lied to, and I think it's wrong to do so, but. But. I lie about my feelings sometimes. I pretend that I am okay when I am most assuredly not okay. I don't tell people when I am angry with them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings or be pushed out of their lives. I don't know how to communicate properly. I can't bring myself to sometimes. I'm full of this fear that I'll end up homeless and alone if I speak up when I am angry, and so I let it go, and I pretend I am fine, and then eventually I forget about it and I am fine.
This is probably not healthy, all this self-sacrificing. It is probably healthy to be a little selfish.
But I don't want to be selfish. I'm terrified that I am far more selfish than I think I am. And I just can't stand the thought that I could be, that I could be taking things away from someone around me that needs it more. I don't like being given things, or eating what I like, or any of it, because whatever it is could be used for someone who needs it more, deserves it more.
I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this. M just brought me a smoothie from Panera, and I feel both guilty and delighted as I'm drinking it.
I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, because I want things, because I might need things. Because sometimes I want some attention, or maybe I want more attention than I'm actually entitled to have.
I'm just feeling a little negative tonight.