Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I try to be the best person I can be.  I do my best to respect boundaries, be tactful, kind, and helpful to those I live with.  I try to avoid accidental rudeness to people I don't know well and to people in public.  I do my best not to talk so much, because I know I'm a talker, and I can be really, really annoying.  I try to be the best friend possible, and avoid stepping on toes if I know there are places I can end up doing so.

I really want to make that clear.  I try to respect the privacy of my friends (which is why, despite what I say about the personal lives of those I live with and am close to, there are no names mentioned, and I'm rather vague about certain subjects), I try to make sure everyone around me is comfortable.

I just don't know if that makes me a shadow.  Does that mean that I am not a person?  I spend so much time worrying about how everyone else is feeling, that I don't often make sure that I am actually happy, too.  Most of the time I am.  I am happy here.  I am happy being part of this weird patchwork family.  I just wish I had the balls to be a bitch when I feel like it.  I wish I had the balls to tell people what I really think sometimes.  This is not to say that I am not honest.  I almost never lie.  I hate lying, and I hate being lied to, and I think it's wrong to do so, but.  But.  I lie about my feelings sometimes.  I pretend that I am okay when I am most assuredly not okay.  I don't tell people when I am angry with them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings or be pushed out of their lives.  I don't know how to communicate properly.  I can't bring myself to sometimes.  I'm full of this fear that I'll end up homeless and alone if I speak up when I am angry, and so I let it go, and I pretend I am fine, and then eventually I forget about it and I am fine.

This is probably not healthy, all this self-sacrificing.  It is probably healthy to be a little selfish.

But I don't want to be selfish.  I'm terrified that I am far more selfish than I think I am.  And I just can't stand the thought that I could be, that I could be taking things away from someone around me that needs it more.  I don't like being given things, or eating what I like, or any of it, because whatever it is could be used for someone who needs it more, deserves it more.

I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this.  M just brought me a smoothie from Panera, and I feel both guilty and delighted as I'm drinking it.

I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, because I want things, because I might need things.  Because sometimes I want some attention, or maybe I want more attention than I'm actually entitled to have.

I'm just feeling a little negative tonight.

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