Monday, May 30, 2011

Laundry, Plans for the Week, and An Obsession with Chocolate

I really shouldn't try to write blog posts when I'm tired.  That's really why I haven't been posting lately - I've been tired for the whole week.  It's been kind of awful.  Anyway, I was looking over last night's post, and found lots of really weird bits where the words in the sentences didn't make sense.

I was so desperate for chocolate earlier that I mixed together some baking cocoa, sugar, a bit of butter, a bit of milk, vanilla extract, and a little cinnamon together to create a concoction that was sort of a cross between chocolate syrup and liquefied candy bar, which was more what I was going for.  I'm not sure what I'd need to do to improve this, but I was impressed with myself for my first attempt.  It was so rich, though, that I had to add more milk to it so I could ingest it and get some form of chocolate.  Oh my god chocolate, how I love you.  I'd love you more if I could type properly, but between the keyboard slowly dying and my dyslexic fingers, I'm screwed on that one.

After the Toddler and S wake up (they are napping), we are going to the store.  I have forgotten what we're buying, but I hope it's chocolatey.  Because everything seriously needs to be made out of chocolate right now.  I want to live in a chocolate house and just take great big bites out of the walls.

I am not normal.

The Girl Child has yet to return home from her visit with her best friend, who is in town visiting her dad for the summer.  (Girl Child's best friend currently lives in New Mexico with her mother and only sees her father during school breaks.)  Don't worry, I'll think of an abbreviation for the girl sometime soon - I'll need to, as she'll be around a lot, hanging out with Girl Child.

E is coming into town this Thursday.  We're going to go out for an activity of some sort that will surely involve eating food, and then she'll drop me back at home and continue on to her dad's house.  She comes back to Kansas every summer for Royal Family Kids Camp, which is a summer camp for abused and neglected children, and the last couple of times, she's managed to stop by to visit me for at least a little bit, either going to her dad's or on the way back to Nashville.  I can't wait to see her, though I imagine she'll be horrorstruck by how fat I've gotten just since last year.  At least this time my hair isn't all falling out from hair dye, too.

I need to start finding clothes for going to the store and stuff, the Toddler has been asleep for ages, so I'm pretty sure he'll wake up soon.  He may not, though - he woke up at 3:00 and stayed up.  Only after bashing S and me with his head when S was trying to get him to sleep with her in the bed.  I'm not sure what time S got up this morning, because I was asleep and didn't wake up until 9:00 this morning.  I thought J was a fold in the blankets on the other side of the bed and accidentally kicked him, but all he did was roll over and stick his arms out weirdly, so I guess I didn't hurt him.

I'm hoping this week we can take ALL the laundry to the laundromat and just get it all washed at once.  And get Girl Child's room cleaned out so there's room to put all her clothes away so she'll stop stealing all the laundry baskets.

Today I need to find as many of my clothes as possible and wash them; I'm completely out of clothes and I'm really annoyed about it.

Anyway, obviously today isn't the most exciting day ever.  It's hot and muggy and disgusting outside.  I'm going to get dressed the rest of the way and then work on my crocheting some more, though I think I'll temporarily abandon the bag for awhile because I really want to get started on the actual work of getting the afghan all put together and stuff.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

A Tornado Outbreak Makes For a Crazy Week

This has been one hell of a week. 

Last Sunday evening, an F5 tornado hit the city of Joplin, Missouri.  This is the town that one of my friends, CG, lives in with her husband and daughter, and several of my friends have friends and family there.  There are 139 confirmed dead already, and they haven’t even found everyone yet.  Joplin isn’t exactly a small town, its population numbers somewhere around 50,000, and there’s a six-block section of the city, cut from west to east, that is just flattened.  CG was barely missed, she lives two blocks north of where the really bad damage starts, and they came out of it with just some trees that needed to be removed, not even any broken windows.  I know she’s lost at least three coworkers and some friends, I’m not too sure how many because it’s not like she’s got a counter up on her Facebook profile, and she’s been pretty quiet about it.  I feel really terrible for her, I can’t imagine what that’s like, to lose so many people at once, to see your entire hometown ripped to shreds - I’ve been in a few close calls and one small tornado, which I think was an F2, when I was a toddler, but I’ve never witnessed firsthand that kind of destruction on that scale, or known I’d lost everything, that almost everyone I know has as well.  Today is CG’s daughter’s second birthday.  I was invited to the birthday party, but there’s no way I could get down there now, and I don’t think she could have made it all the way up here to pick me up, now that all this has happened.

I don’t really remember what happened on Monday.  I think there was probably some stuff that happened, but damned if I can remember what occurred.  It obviously wasn’t important.  Apparently Monday was a void.

We bought a weather radio on Tuesday (the 24th), and got it all set up in time for us to have some lovely severe thunderstorms come in while I was babysitting the kids.  I kept The Weather Channel on the whole night and watched as tornado after tornado hit Texas and Oklahoma and Arkansas, and another one just scraped by Joplin.  The weather radio freaked out regularly about every 10 minutes or so because S didn’t get it programmed for our county until the next morning.

On Wednesday, there was an F0 tornado that went straight through the middle of Overland Park.  It was actually a very large, wedge-shaped tornado, but it just didn’t have any oomph behind it, which was why there was almost no damage (some light tree damage was the extent, I believe), because it was large and slow-moving... We got so lucky.  If it had had more power behind it, it would have completely destroyed Overland Park, more than likely.  It passed by less than two miles from home, and S and I had to get J out of bed and downstairs and woke M up in the process and spent a good twenty minutes in the basement, and then stayed upstairs for the second set of sirens because it wasn’t going to pass remotely close to the house, or at least not close enough to worry about.  (S could seriously be a meteorologist.)

Thursday was Girl Child’s last day of school.  She did fantastically, as always, though her hair was... special.  She and S teased it up that morning and made it crazy and … well, crazy, because she wanted to make a statement for the last day of school.

J brought AB home with him from work Thursday night, so she was there Friday when we all woke up.  She’s a nice enough girl, but after awhile she’s a bit grating.  Probably because she’s consistently a teenager in her behavior.  She actually ended up irritating the crap out of me just by being there all day.  I can see why S gets so sick of me sometimes.  Anyway, we ended up taking her with us on our errands, most of which involved them staying in the car while I took the Toddler in with me wherever I was going because he cried when I left him in the car.  I got the yarn I needed to finish my afghan, and pillow inserts for the matching pillows I’m making, and made a stop at Micro Center, and Wal-Mart - we were out of the house for about five hours and did not stop all day.  Friday was exhausting.

Friday night, we started to start a new game of D&D, but it was taking forever for character creation because J was too busy playing Minecraft to remember that he was supposed to be explaining all this to AB, so S and I ended up going to bed once we got too tired to stay up any longer.  I’m pretty sure AB isn’t smart enough to play D&D anyway, she can’t even spell charisma.  I have generally found that most people who play D&D and are good at it are ridiculously smart.  I hope I become a good player, though I have no illusions about my intelligence.  I am not as smart as I was when I was in high school.  I mean, I could still out-think most of the people I had the misfortune of attending high school with, but a potato could out-think some of those people.  Anyway, W, S, and J are all ridiculously smart, and they are all good at D&D.  I’m not sure AB will even be able to figure out what J is talking about half the time, unless he dumbs his explanation down a lot.

Yesterday was okay, W and A showed up on time, but then W went back to their apartment for an hour to look for A’s dice, so we still didn’t start until after 10:00, but we got the story advanced a little bit, at least.  I’m finally starting to consistently remember how to do everything and am needing less and less help knowing what kind of die I need for a roll (though I have enough dice at this point that it is difficult to find the right kind just by them being camouflaged by all the other ones), and I’m getting pretty good at levelling my character up without any help.  I imagine other stuff besides game-related stuff happened, but once again, the rest of the day is a blank. 

Today hasn’t been very eventful.  I was woken up by S asking me where the hell I put the Wheat Thins, but they were under J’s window for unknown reasons, which I knew but had no part in causing.  Anyway, nothing important has happened today.  I made cornbread so J could have lunch at work, I acquired some new music that I’m sorting through, and I baby-sat the Toddler for awhile this evening for about an hour and a half.  He cried the entire time until I stripped him naked and let him lay on me and eat peaches.  Toddlers are so freaking strange.  The morning of the Overland Park tornado, he rubbed an entire handful of cottage cheese into his eye.

I’ve been incredibly cranky for most of the day, though apparently you wouldn’t know it.  I am short on patience and I just want to bite off the head of whoever is foolhardy enough to bother me.  I don’t even know why I feel this way.  Probably a combination of not having any coffee this morning and we ran out of cigarettes this morning and because J has an e-cig, they’ve decided to stop buying them altogether, which leaves me quitting cold turkey and I am very unhappy about this because I don’t currently want to quit at all.  I know it’s not really my choice - it’s not my money, if they don’t want to buy them, I can’t change that.  Anyway, I’m irrationally and disproportionately angry about the whole thing in addition to feeling rubbed completely raw by being completely without cigarettes for almost the whole day.  I’m actually really glad Girl Child is staying over at a friend’s house tonight, so I won’t randomly start yelling at her for absolutely no reason.  That would suck, and she wouldn’t deserve it.  At least I recognize this, which is why I've put in the earbuds and am not talking to anyone, because anytime I talk to anybody, I don't sound very nice.

I think another part of my problem is that I abstractly stopped writing this week, and I probably shouldn’t have.  I don’t really have another outlet to just get some of this stuff out of my head, I don’t talk to anyone, ever, so it just gets internalized if I don’t write about it.  Fun.

Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, we’ll see what happens then.  Probably nothing.  Tonight, my plans are to finish off this bag I’m making to keep my scrap yarn in and then move on to working on the squares for the afghan as soon as possible.  I’m going to see if I can watch Orphan while crocheting, but I’ve never seen it, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to.  I don’t generally do horror very well.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Tornadoes, Graduation(s), and New People

Things have been a little hectic here lately, which is why I haven't posted.  Mom's graduation went well, except for the fact that my camera refuses to take good pictures in gigantic rooms from large distances, so I have almost no good pictures of her graduating, but I did get a very funny video of her waving her diploma at us (I was there with my aunt and uncle), and we got some group pictures, which unfortunately have the color balance messed up on them.  When I put them on the computer, I'm going to edit them and hopefully fix them.

Friday was Girl Child's sixth grade graduation, and everyone in the house except the dogs and M went to see it.  I got some pictures of her getting her certificates, but unfortunately missed out on getting some good pictures because the Toddler was screaming and had to be removed.  Friday was a nothing-special kind of day beyond that.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  J let S and me sleep in and took care of the Toddler for awhile until we got up, partly because the Toddler woke up at midnight and didn't go back to sleep until like 5:30 and then woke up at 7:00.  Nobody got much sleep, even with me going to bed at 7:30, so it was a fucked kind of morning.  Then we had errands, and then S had an errand that she had to go on and I needed to get the house at least partially cleaned up because we were having a new person over, and I was having a hard time getting J out of bed, so there was a bit of a meltdown on my part because I couldn't get everything done and felt like an epic failure.  The only upside of the afternoon was that the Toddler actually napped, unlike Friday when he fell asleep in the car for a few minutes and then absolutely refused to nap at home.

J's new friend from work came to visit yesterday, which was why I was cleaning so frantically.  I managed to get the hallway completely clear of laundry and J took it all to the basement in trash bags for me, and J got the toys and other stuff picked up off the floor, and then we collapsed onto the furniture until J's new friend arrived.  I'm not sure what to call her, her name also starts with an A, so I think I'll call her AB, which are her initials.  (Thirty seconds of Facebook sleuthing to find that out.  Whee.)  Anyway, she was a completely new entity to me, so I was a bit shy/aloof at first, because that's just how I am with new people sometimes.  It wasn't until S got home awhile later that I loosened up and got a bit more comfortable.  J grilled pork chops and steaks and we had a team effort on the veggies, and then the Toddler needed a second bath because he was completely covered in food goop.

As a side note, while I was clearing out the laundry, a fat black spider fell on my chest from the inside of some clothes, and managed to bite me on my collarbone before being flung to the floor, where J killed it while I flailed hysterically and held the Toddler behind me.  With a bottle of Wet.  Yes.  It's funny now, but at the time it was horrible.  Anyway, my collarbone is itchy.

W and A didn't arrive until after 10:00, with LW, so we started game very late, and just as we were really starting to get involved in it, I heard tornado sirens.  A went to the door and said that the air felt stagnant and completely still, and S jumped up and leaped across the room to her computer to check the weather radar because we don't have a weather radio right now, said that there was a tornado that looked like it was heading straight for us, and we all mobilized and started grabbing stuff.  I went and scared the living hell out of Girl Child by bursting into her room and yelling the essentials at her, then grabbed the Toddler out of bed (he didn't even wake up) and ran downstairs with him.  A started crying with LW in her arms because their dogs and cat were alone in their apartment and she was scared they'd die, and then she started trying to get in contact with her mother, but her phone didn't get reception in the basement, even by the window, so she tried AB's phone, which also had no reception, so I sent someone up to get my phone so A could try it, but all she could do was access the internet on it, it wouldn't call or send texts.  (It limited us to emergency calls only and nobody thought to grab the house phone.)  After awhile, S decided it would be safe to go back upstairs, so I put the Toddler back to bed (and luckily he didn't cry), and we called game for the night.  I also managed to get LW to sleep for a little while, too, until W and A decided to go home.

This reminded me of a Thank God School's Over party in high school where there were severe storms and we ended up in the basement being terrified that we'd be blown away.  I don't remember enough about that specific party to give more details than that, but it was pretty special.

J let me sleep until 9:30 this morning, and since he went to bed and I got up, the Toddler has thrown several tantrums, which somehow did not wake AB, he attempted to bite me during a time-out, and now he's chilling out in his high chair and we're just sitting around the living room.

I'm pretty sure today is going to be a nothing-much kind of day, too.  That's okay, because I like it that way.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Graduation Ceremony of Doom and Laundry Stress

My mother's graduation from community college is today.  I really don't want to go, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.  So I'm going.

I was planning on dressing in comfortable clothes and just being casual, but I found out yesterday that other family is going to be there, so now of course I have to dress nicely and polish my toenails and wear makeup and actually do something with my hair.  And wear jewelry.  I feel like I have to look way more together than I actually am.

This morning was kind of weird.  We had to get up a little earlier than usual because J had an early meeting at work, which puts him at work for 12 hours, and the Toddler had a check-up at the doctor.  The poor little guy had to have a shot, too, which was awful, I felt so bad for him.  Because S is currently a gimp, I had to hold him down while the nurse was sticking him, and it was awful, watching his little body cringe in response.  It even made him limp a little.  And everything made him cry after that, too.  There was another baby somewhere in the office who was crying from getting a shot, and it made him start up all over again as we were checking out of the office, and I ended up taking him out into the hallway to wait for S to finish scheduling the next appointment or whatever she was doing.

We had to go to Wal-Mart after that, and it was supposed to be just me and the Toddler going in so S wouldn't have to get herself in and out of Wal-Mart in the rain on crutches, but she wanted to go in so we could look at a replacement for the cassette adapter for the car.  Of course, we forgot all about it and didn't end up buying one at all.  Lots of facepalming.  Yay!  But we managed to buy pretty much everything else we needed to buy, so at least we didn't forget everything.  I got some more yarn so I can finish making all the squares for my afghan, which is exciting, and then later S is going to help me choose a color for the border and edging and stuff, because I've got no idea what I want to use.

I'm exhausted, even after four shots of espresso.  The kitchen is completely covered in mud because of our lovely canines.  Why did it have to rain today?

The Girl Child should be home from school any minute now, which will just add still another layer of chaos to this afternoon's shenanigans.  I love her, but kids do tend to complicate situations sometimes.

The clean laundry pile is currently bigger than me.  Unfortunately, the dirty laundry pile is about three times the size of the clean laundry pile.  Oh boy.  I suggested that we just get rid of all our clothes and become nudists, but M and Girl Child vetoed that idea.  Dammit, now I have to actually fold all of that stuff.  I hate folding, I much prefer the washing part of it.  I'd even rather lug everything to the basement than fold.  Though I do like putting it away once it is folded.  So maybe S can fold everything and I can wash it and put it away.  Woo, teamwork!

Anyway, I need to go check on the Toddler and find something nice to wear for tonight.  Oh my god.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I try to be the best person I can be.  I do my best to respect boundaries, be tactful, kind, and helpful to those I live with.  I try to avoid accidental rudeness to people I don't know well and to people in public.  I do my best not to talk so much, because I know I'm a talker, and I can be really, really annoying.  I try to be the best friend possible, and avoid stepping on toes if I know there are places I can end up doing so.

I really want to make that clear.  I try to respect the privacy of my friends (which is why, despite what I say about the personal lives of those I live with and am close to, there are no names mentioned, and I'm rather vague about certain subjects), I try to make sure everyone around me is comfortable.

I just don't know if that makes me a shadow.  Does that mean that I am not a person?  I spend so much time worrying about how everyone else is feeling, that I don't often make sure that I am actually happy, too.  Most of the time I am.  I am happy here.  I am happy being part of this weird patchwork family.  I just wish I had the balls to be a bitch when I feel like it.  I wish I had the balls to tell people what I really think sometimes.  This is not to say that I am not honest.  I almost never lie.  I hate lying, and I hate being lied to, and I think it's wrong to do so, but.  But.  I lie about my feelings sometimes.  I pretend that I am okay when I am most assuredly not okay.  I don't tell people when I am angry with them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings or be pushed out of their lives.  I don't know how to communicate properly.  I can't bring myself to sometimes.  I'm full of this fear that I'll end up homeless and alone if I speak up when I am angry, and so I let it go, and I pretend I am fine, and then eventually I forget about it and I am fine.

This is probably not healthy, all this self-sacrificing.  It is probably healthy to be a little selfish.

But I don't want to be selfish.  I'm terrified that I am far more selfish than I think I am.  And I just can't stand the thought that I could be, that I could be taking things away from someone around me that needs it more.  I don't like being given things, or eating what I like, or any of it, because whatever it is could be used for someone who needs it more, deserves it more.

I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this.  M just brought me a smoothie from Panera, and I feel both guilty and delighted as I'm drinking it.

I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, because I want things, because I might need things.  Because sometimes I want some attention, or maybe I want more attention than I'm actually entitled to have.

I'm just feeling a little negative tonight.

Conversations and Crochet

Today, J asked me to make sure he has a clean pair of jeans, because he’s completely out of clean pairs, and since I’m the only able-bodied person who will be awake during the day, it falls to me to do it.  I said to him, “How do you manage to run out of jeans, anyway?  You own more pairs than anyone else I’ve ever known.”  He said, “I don’t know.. they just.. end up in... places.”  Then, of course, he got laughed at.  I don't even know what that means!

So, anyway, I’ll be doing some laundry today, which was the plan anyway, so I’ll just make sure a pair of J’s jeans get washed.  And hopefully not mix them up with Girl Child’s, which has happened before.

J and S let me sleep until 9:00, which was completely awesome of them.  I love them.

Yesterday when Girl Child came home from school, she showed off her grade for her Japan report, which was a 99/100, and she was all disappointed about it because the only reason she didn’t get a perfect score was because she put one of the parts of her report in the wrong place.  Anyway, J and S were rightfully impressed with her grade, and then the following conversation took place:

S: “Girl Child, you deserve a reward or something for that.  I just don’t know what.”  (Obviously Girl Child’s actual name was used, we don’t call her that in real life.)

Me: “We could... throw confetti at her and sing a song?”

S: *rolls up a straw wrapper, throws it at Girl Child, and makes a tootling horn noise through her hand*

We are awesomely crazy.  I love living here so much.  Even when my preferred breakfast condiments disappear completely.

I decided a few days ago that I was going to turn the bedspread project for when I was going to get married into an afghan.  Since, y’know, I’m not getting married anymore.  Anyway, I've got about half the squares I need, and am going to have to buy four more skeins of yarn so I can finish it, but I finally picked a square design I like after dozens of attempts over the last few days.  I did it in Paint.  Here's a picture:

These colors are very close to the yarn colors I'm using.

Anyway, there’s not a whole lot happening right now, I think we might be going to Starbucks in a little bit, though, but that’s not terribly exciting or interesting.  There's just not a whole lot going on right now, which is kind of nice.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Daily Drivel and Advice

I ended up writing nothing over the last weekend, mostly because I was so irritated with Blogger for deleting the page I had to re-create (the link is just below the title), and also because I’ve been exhausted beyond belief.

I got up at 6:00 after going to sleep around 4:00 on Saturday to help get everything ready to go for the road trip S and J were taking to pick up the riding lawn mower JGM gave them.  I had the house to myself for the whole day, so I ended up going back to sleep around 8:00 and slept until nearly 3:00, so I got nearly enough sleep.  I ended up cleaning the whole living room and taking a ton of laundry downstairs in anticipation of D&D, so we’d have room to play and S could stop dying on her crutches.

W and A came over with LW around 10:00, about the same time that J and S and the children returned, but by this point, it was far too late for game, so we hung out and chatted.  I made cornbread around midnight because it sounded wonderful.  They were here until LW fell asleep on A around 1:00, and then we all hung around the living room doing our own thing until very late.  Saturday was basically a very boring day full of nothing much.

Yesterday was also a nothing-much routine kind of day.  I don’t actually remember a lot about it because of how tired I’ve been.  The only thing that we really did was stop by the library to print some stuff because our printer at home is broken, and then not a whole lot happened.  I’ve been particularly irritable the last few days, not sure why, but I’d really like to keep that under control, since no one in this house has really done anything to deserve me being cranky and snarky toward them.

Today was exhausting because I didn’t get nearly enough sleep.  I fell asleep on S last night while she was showing me stuff in Minecraft, and then when I had to wake up so she could go to bed, I was unable to get back to sleep for almost an hour, then J scared me awake when he came home, and the dogs barked at M when he got home a couple of hours later, which also woke me up, and then the Toddler woke up before 7:00, and from that point onward, his mission for the day seemed to be to destroy the living room and grab stuff that doesn’t belong to him.  Like S’s incense.  I tried to take a nap earlier, but it takes me awhile to fall asleep, and between that and the guitar and the screaming, I managed about 10 minutes, especially since the Toddler decided to pound on the bedroom door and yell at me.  Wah, wah, poor me.

I had a stroke of brilliance earlier in regard to J’s work food - chili and cornbread!  I made a big batch of cornbread and we bought some canned chili at the grocery store, and he’s set!  Yay!

I have no plans in particular for tonight, I’m going to go to sleep early and hopefully get enough sleep so I can have some energy tomorrow (the coffee just doesn’t give me the energy I need anymore, I totally need an espresso maker), and I’m going to try to get some stuff done.  Like making a dent in the laundry, because S, the Toddler, and I are all completely out of clothes.  I’m currently wearing a retired pair of polyester dress pants, and it’s just too warm for that crap.  They don’t breathe.  I’m dying

I talked to C for a bit today.  I’m worried about him, he’s in a similar situation to E, and I hate seeing good people be miserable for no good reason. 

Speaking of E, I also spent a good long time talking to her today as well.  I really feel bad for her, she seems to be stuck between trying to please everyone and wanting to be happy, and she can only have one in this situation.  I hope she and her husband sit down soon and have a discussion, a real discussion, about the things they want out of life, and hopefully he’ll come to the same conclusion that she did, that they need to get a divorce.  She’s just so palpably miserable.  I try to sympathize with her as best I can, even though I’m on the complete opposite end of her viewpoint toward children.  I just don’t think she deserves to be punished because she doesn’t want them.  Not everyone was made to be a parent, and she’s one of those people.  As wonderful as she is, she would be an awful parent.  She likes things to be too clean to be a happy, effective parent.  I don’t know why her husband doesn’t see that, doesn’t see her.  I don’t think he even wants to see her, just the image of what he wants her to be, and I think that’s why he gets so angry when she just isn’t what he expects.  He doesn’t love her for her, and that’s not fair to her.

I don’t understand the attitude to the people who are childfree.  They are still people, and they still deserve respect, and they deserve to do with their lives what they want, even if that doesn’t happen to include children.  E doesn’t deserve to be treated like a brood mare because her mother-in-law wants grandchildren, or because her husband doesn’t care about her wishes.  I have several friends, not just E, who are childfree, and I try to be as supportive as I can, even though I don’t get why E and H hate babies.  Well, I guess I can see why they hate babies, but I see so much good and fun with babies that I can overlook all the gross stuff and the screaming and the sleep deprivation.  I guess that’s the difference between wanting to have children and not wanting to have children, and I will never pressure either E or H or any of my friends who don’t want children to have them.  It’s their decision to make, and I’ll still be just as supportive if they decide in 10 years that they would like to have children, though I have my doubts that either of them will.

I’ve been kind of an advice dispenser today.  Every so often, I just come out with all of this wisdom, and it always seems to be just the right thing to say.  It’s really weird.  I’m really stupid when it comes to managing my own life, but I can find the correct solution for the problems in my friends’ lives, and give them justifying reasons for why they deserve to be happy.  I just wish I could take my own advice sometimes.  (JHB used to call me his source of wisdom because of this weird quirk of mine.)

Anyway, today hasn’t been terribly exciting by any stretch of the imagination.  The Girl Child has slipped back into being sullen and surly, and has gone back to being insulting toward me at random intervals, S and I have been hanging out most of the day, and I’ve finally gotten my first wind and have started doing some of the laundry.  M and J are both at work, and the Toddler is in bed for the night.  Just another day at the crazy house.  Ha.  S is currently making lava waterfalls in Minecraft.

I really have nothing more to say.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Nighttime Hyperactivity

As pretty much everyone may have noticed, Blogger went down yesterday afternoon and did not come back even a little until a little bit ago, though it decided to break my two most recent posts and I had to edit the dates and times and fix the tags, but at least I got those back.  I’ve decided I’m going to back up all my posts from now on.  I also appear to have lost the second page I made that had the list of everyone that I talk about on here, so I hope they bring that back soon.  I put a lot of effort into that and the design surrounding it (like making the tabs look pretty), and I’m going to be rather angry if they don’t get it fixed.

I started writing this post seven hours ago.

I can’t go to sleep.  I’m far too wired, and I’m not even sure why.  I’m just full of hyperactivity and the desire to do something, but I hurt too much physically to do any more than I have.

Tomorrow (which is actually later today, but it’s not tomorrow until I go to sleep and wake up), I’m thinking I might walk up to the library.  Maybe.  Or I could wait until Sunday when S takes Girl Child up there to print some of her stuff for her country report.  I just really feel the need to do something.

Maybe I’m just restless.  If I could do everything I wanted to get done without being in pain, I would be able to get so much more done.  I really want to get all the laundry dealt with and to get the living room clean all the way and organize something.  I have no idea what exactly I intend to organize, but I want to sort stuff and … stuff.  I’d probably be terrific at any job that required someone to organize stuff all day long.  I would be so good at it.  Because I’m freakish like that.

Holy shit, I’m starting to get tired.  Maybe I’ll write something of substance tomorrow. 

Thursday, May 12, 2011


I really want a gym membership.  I want to get toned and lose some weight and be able to wear my cute clothes again.  I want to have the energy to do everything I want to in a day again.  My weight is starting to get out of hand, especially since I'm barely five feet tall.  I miss the body I used to have when I was active, before the car accident in 2008.  I miss feeling beautiful.  I miss everything about that, especially being healthy.  I used to be ridiculously healthy, I never got sick, ever, except when I got sick epically, which only happened about once a year, sometimes once every couple of years.

I miss how my hair was before I started dyeing it in 2008.  (That just seems to be the year of everything being fucked.)  It's a lot thinner now, though it's coming back and starting to feel healthy again, but I'm starting to think it'll never be as thick or as beautiful as it was.  I don't know what I was thinking.

I miss having a job and feeling like I was doing something.  It doesn't matter if it's retail or not, at least it's not being useless all the time, which is how I feel so often now.  I'll probably even feel useless if I manage to get the whole of the house cleaned up and organized, and I still feel useless even though I'm helping out with the Toddler and the cooking.  I don't think these feelings will change unless I have a job, I don't feel like I'm contributing in a tangible way unless I am also earning money in addition to everything else I'm attempting to accomplish.  I want to be Superwoman, I want to do it all so I feel that I am worth having here.

I'm so different from how I was a few years ago.  I would have taken this life, these people, for granted, completely, just a few years ago.  I can't believe how much I have changed.  I don't like who I was and I am glad of the change, but I'm not sure I like who I am now.  I imagine I'd be fine with myself if I had a job.  It all seems to come down to my employment status.

I want to work on getting my driver's license this summer.  I want to actually work on it, actually practice enough that I will be able to drive in any condition, and that I won't be a road hazard to everyone around me.  I want my driver's license.  I want to be able to own a car and drive it.  I want to be independent.  (This does not mean I want to live alone.  I would go slowly insane if I lived alone, I don't think I'm equipped to be alone, but that kind of independence, especially if it came coupled with a job, would mean I would also be in the house less and drive S a lot less crazy.)

I want to be able to go somewhere outside of the house under my own power, alone, to go grocery shopping or run errands or whatever.  I want to be an adult.

I need to grow up.  It's time.  I'm not sure what that will mean, I'm not sure it's something I truly want, but I want to make some changes.  I want to eat better, join a gym and lose some fucking weight, get a job and a driver's license and a car, and get my debt paid off.  I want to feel worthy of the friendship and love that I have been offered in this house.

Old Friends, Drama, and Blogging

Yesterday was so bad that I didn't want to post about it.  Well, at least not until I'd had some time to process everything and be in a less negative frame of mind.

I got four hours of sleep yesterday, because Girl Child threw the biggest tantrum I've ever seen her throw when J wouldn't let her go downstairs before school.  It was five o'clock in the morning.  She managed to wake everyone, including the Toddler.  I was so angry with her, because she threw off the entire day for everyone, and I am much less patient when I am tired, and I need to be able to be patient, because the Toddler is only 18 months old, and I was not as patient with him as I could have been.  I was so exhausted I couldn't cook dinner, which was okay because S and M went out for dinner last night and I didn't have any because I was too exhausted and ended up going to bed around 7:30.

I was in bed for almost 12 hours last night.  I slept for almost all of that time.

Nothing of note really happened yesterday beyond the epic tantrum, and I'm not going into detail about that to protect Girl Child's privacy.  I don't want her to have to read about it (she reads this blog when she isn't grounded), and I don't want her to decide to revisit this blog when she's 20 and freak out.  Because I love her anyway, even when she is being awful.  I know that it's only because she's 12 and miserable, because everyone is miserable when they're 12.  So I love her anyway, even when she spends months being absolutely awful to me, like she was over the winter.

I think I've mentioned this previously, but for the first time in my life, I have long fingernails.  I'm finally not so fucked up that I bite my nails constantly anymore.  I've bitten my nails for longer than I can remember.  I've had them long for about two months now.  I don't think they're particularly attractive (my middle and ring finger nails on both hands grow funny), but they're long.  Actually, at the moment, they're too long and I'm having difficulty typing.

I've been reading the blog of someone that I have known for over 10 years, though I don't really know him now.  He's part of the reason I started blogging on LiveJournal, and he was one of my closest friends while I was living with my mother, and then everything went to hell in 2005 and we barely spoke after that.  Reading his blog, though all but the most recent entry is about three years old.. it led to a lot of introspection and self-examination that made me think some things I'm not ready to put into writing yet.  I'm very glad to be back in contact with him, because I have missed him a lot.  I shall dub him C.  (I think I'm going to make a separate page on this blog soon for keeping the cast of people I talk about straight, I'm starting to get really confused when I talk about people, since I'm only using initials and other things to identify them in order to preserve privacy.  That's why I have yet to mention my name or give any indication as to who I am, so that that way the people that may eventually read this that don't really know me won't know or hold it against real-life me.)

Anyway.  I need to wrap this up, S and I need to run errands while the Toddler is napping, so hopefully I'll find the time and energy to write later about some of my other thoughts, if they ever become coherent enough to bother writing about.

I absolutely love the music that M makes.  It's perfect for helping me concentrate, which is why I want it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Yarn Balls and Cooking

I don't actually remember much about yesterday, probably due to the haze of exhaustion (and heat exhaustion) that we all existed in.  It was around 90 yesterday (and today), and it was awful.  Anyway, here's what I've managed to remember.

After I finished yesterday's blog post, I started to sort through my music, and then S actually decided to have that nap after all, so I was impeded from doing any meaningful sorting of music by the Toddler, who felt it necessary to get into everything he shouldn't, and then would go cry at the bedroom door at any mention of Mommy and Daddy.  This included banging on the door.  I forgot that he might need to eat, which turned out to be his entire problem.  I felt so bad.  S ended up getting up from her nap early because he became inconsolable and needed her, which also made me feel bad.  I still haven't finished my music sorting, either, because I've been distracted by other things, though I did manage to delete over 50 songs from iTunes (and also my computer) that I didn't actually like, so at least I got something done with clearing disk space for stuff I actually want.  This computer is slowly being turned into a music machine.  Whee.

Anyway, I downloaded a couple of free ringtones from The Sims 3 website yesterday, put them on my phone, and discovered that the bitrate on them was too large for them to be ringtones.  Yipee.  So I downloaded some open-source music editing software, discovered that it didn't do what I wanted, and found another open-source piece of software that does nothing but convert audio files to different formats, and also allows me to change the bitrate.  I only converted one of the ringtones, the one I actually wanted, and then entered the world of music editing.  My text message tone is now the Final Fantasy X victory fanfare, so every morning when I get my weather check, I win!  That's really all that can be said about that.  I'm incredibly excited about it, it's much easier for me to convert my mp3s into ringtones than try to find ones for purchase that will work with my phone on my wireless carrier's store, not that I can afford to buy ringtones anyway.  I'm not sure if that's illegal or not, but I'm not sharing them with anyone, so I guess it's okay.

Over the last few days, M has managed to get S addicted to Minecraft, and they decided to show each other their worlds on their computers and everything they'd built and done (it's actually pretty ridiculous), and the Toddler was being obnoxious and I wanted a cigarette, so we went outside to run around and play with dandelions (well, the fluffy ones, we don't have any yellow ones at the moment).  Because he's not very good at blowing the seeds off yet, only having the lung power of an 18 month old, I helped him by blowing some of them for him... which blew directly into his hair.  Between that and him rubbing them on his head, he ended up with a helmet of dandelion fluff.  It was really cute.  Just as we were about to go inside to show everyone, some of the people who live next door came outside with their daughter, who is only a month or two younger than the Toddler.  We tried to get them interacting, but it was to no avail, so we chatted for a bit and I showed the neighbor this really cool handshake we taught the Toddler a couple of weeks ago, and then we said goodbye and I brought him inside.  S was highly amused by his hair, then told me to get him outside and get it out.  Ha.  So I sat on the front porch with him in my lap, painstakingly picking dandelion seeds out of his hair.  I'm so never doing that again, it took forever to get it all out.

Late last night, W and A showed up out of the blue, with LW, W's two-year-old son.  I can't remember if he's been mentioned previously or not, so from now on, he's LW.  Anyway, they hung out and chatted and basked in our air conditioning and then they went home to their hot apartment, poor things.  They were supposed to be getting that fixed today, though, so hopefully the apartment won't be nearly as miserable for them now.

I didn't get to sleep until nearly one o'clock this morning because I just could not get comfortable (I desperately need new pillows), and then was jarred awake at 5:45 by Girl Child arguing with J about why she wasn't allowed to go downstairs, which was getting increasingly shrill and shouty, and I interjected with, "(Girl Child), shut up and do as you're told, I'm trying to sleep."  Then she tried the "you can't tell me to shut up" thing on me again, and I informed her that I just had, and then J yelled at her to get to her room, and she stomped off crying and slammed her door, which woke S up.  After all that, I was basically up for the day, especially after a subsequent argument with the Girl Child involving me asking her what she was doing when she was heading for the direction of the kitchen and the basement door, and since I had no idea what her intention was, I expected her to be attempting to sneak down there, as teenagers like to do, and this induced more shouting, of course.  I talked J into making coffee before he went to bed, though, which was incredibly awesome of him and meant that S could have coffee as soon as she was out of bed, which came along pretty quickly as the Toddler woke up as soon as J went into the bedroom.

Today was pretty much nonstop from that point onward.  I changed the Toddler while S showered, then he was breakfasted and we had things that sort of constituted breakfast, then I looked at all of S's mp3s to decide what ones I wanted from her that I didn't already have and made a list, and meanwhile, the Toddler was running around grabbing stuff and hitting us with books and generally being a toddler.  After awhile, we put him down for a nap and left him with a sleeping J (which worked beautifully, he slept until right after we got home, and since J was there, it was totally safe) while we went to the store.  S sat in the car and read one of her library books while I blitzed through the store, grabbing everything we needed.  Except, of course, the damn baby bottle brush to clean the Toddler's sippy cups.  Again.  That's the third week in a row.  Anyway, enough facepalming.  We got home, I managed to carry everything but S and her crutches inside in one trip, get the cold stuff put away, and collapse for 30 seconds before the Toddler woke up from his nap and demanded for someone to retrieve him.  We won't have this luxury in a few months when he gets his own room, though, because he'll probably have a toddler bed by then.

After J got up for the day, we ended up having to go out again, this time to grab him some work food for his lunch, get him some McDonald's, drop his blazer thingy off at the cleaners, and then to the gas station for gas.  This was an epic run.  I ran into Wal-Mart to get his food, discovered they were out of it, ran back to the car to tell S this, ended up buying the individual size of it instead, discovered that this Wal-Mart actually carries my pesto that I love and bought three jars and a box of penne, and actually remembered the goddamned bottle brush.  I had to write it on my arm to remember, but dammit, I got the fucking thing.  After that, we drove like crazy to the gas station, where I pumped gas for about the fourth time in my life, but it felt really good to do it.  It made me feel like an adult.  Anyway, after THAT, we drove to McDonald's, got J his home-food, and drove home, where I ran inside and dropped the food off before running BACK outside to go to the cleaners to drop off his blazer thingy.  Then back home to release the Toddler from his prison and let him run around a little. 

After I recovered, I spent some time with the Toddler getting the living room partially cleaned.  He helped me a lot, actually.  He is surprisingly helpful for still being a baby.  He put the dirty laundry that was on the floor in the laundry pile in the hall, put all the shoes away, helped put his toys away in his toy box, and picked up all of the trash for me that was on the floor before I vacuumed.  We have two vacuums, one is a bagless and the other is traditional, and I started with the bagless before the belt decided it wanted to die and burned itself up halfway through, so I had to switch to the older one that doesn't work as well to finish up, and ended up giving up on it before I got everything because it just stopped picking stuff up.  The Toddler even started to help me vacuum, he grabbed the handle and everything, but then he got too scared and ran back to the safety of S's lap.  At least he didn't cry this time.

Once the floor was cleaned up, I got the yarn balls that SM (S's mother, for those who have forgotten) made for the Toddler and played with him a bit while S was on the phone with a friend.  After she got off the phone, she joined us on the floor and what started as an attempt at an educational experience turned into a hilarious game of throwing the yarn balls at each other in fits of hysterics.  There was a ridiculous amount of screaming.  Then it was dinner time for the Toddler and the Girl Child went to finish off the kitchen so I could cook dinner.  (Yes, I actually cooked, don't pass out or anything.)

Cooking was an adventure.  The Girl Child and I had a huge, dramatic, full-out screaming fight about the dishes and her interrupting me when I was telling S what is left to do in there, which ended with Girl Child screaming that everyone hates me and that no one wants me to be here, which was probably the two worst things she could have said, since they're the two things I'm most insecure about.  Ouch.  Anyway, she was grounded, there was crying, I cooked and ignored her while I cooled off, and then she did a complete 180 on me and was totally nice and sweet and awesome like she usually is for the rest of the time I interacted with her.  As much as that fight sucked, I'm glad I actually stood up to her instead of just letting her talk to me like that.  And you know, I love her anyway, even when she says terrible things to me.

Anyway, I don't really want to think about that nasty incident anymore than I have to, so I shall continue on with the rest of the story of me cooking.

I overcooked the noodles.  It turned out great, but I was horrified at first because the noodles nearly disintegrated.  I've never had that happen before, and I've made this a bunch of times, or at least helped to make it, because it's my grandmother's recipe and I've known how to make it since I was three.  Anyway, I made a double batch so we can have it tomorrow night, too, and I also cooked up a huge amount of vegetables to go with it for tonight.  There's even enough left over for J to have some when he gets home from work tonight.  Tomorrow I'm going to throw some more veggies on, throw the second casserole in the oven, and make mashed potatoes to go with it.  Om nom nom nom.  Throughout the entire time I was cooking, I was also shouting myself hoarse at all the flies that are in the kitchen that we can't quite seem to kill or get to leave the fucking house.  I imagine it was pretty funny to listen to, actually.

Anyway, we all sat down and ate dinner, poor S has hardly eaten anything today, so she was starving, and the Girl Child even had some, probably because of the novelty of having potato chips as a dinner topping.  (This is a 1950s-style casserole.)  She decided to have an apple instead of the vegetables because she didn't like their texture, so S ended up having them when she had seconds.

I'm getting ready to head to bed in a few, even though I'm so keyed up I probably won't be able to sleep for quite a while, so I hope I'm suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion here soon so I can get a decent amount of sleep.

Anyway, I will write more tomorrow, if anything interesting happens.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Screen Resolutions and Sufficient Sleep

I have discovered that this computer resets itself to the lowest resolution possible whenever I restart it.  It's very ... special.  Fortunately, it lets me set it back on the correct resolution, so it no longer looks like crap.  I'm going to spend some time going through the ambient music I haven't sorted yet, and then probably resync the iPod today.  Hopefully, it won't lose my place in my audiobook, but in case it does, I'll be writing down where I am so I can return to it easily.  (Riveting, isn't it?)

The Toddler is currently chilling in his high chair, alternately eating his big toe and shoving it into his eye, between kisses.  Now he's telling his other foot hello.  I love how strange he is, he fits into this household so well.  He's very funny, he wanted to play with the green hairbrush (it used to be J's, but now it's a toy), and when I handed it to him, he gave it a hug.  Then again, he also kisses the vacuum, so it's not terribly surprising.  I'm going to have to vacuum the living room in a bit, he dumped all of his cereal on the floor earlier, so we'll see if he still wants to kiss it after that.

I got enough sleep last night!  I fell asleep around 11:00 and J and S let me sleep until about 8:00, when I woke up on my own due to the nightmare that I had, which of course I can't remember anything about other than J and S being in it.  Anyway, I wandered out of the bedroom (S let me sleep in there again last night), discovered M was up here, and ran and hid until I could find pants.  J found this hilarious, the bastard.

I need to go have some breakfast before I die.  I think I may have some strawberries or something.  I can't remember what all food we have in the house, but we have TONS.  Yay food!  Anyway, this morning is pretty decent, there's coffee and the Toddler is being pretty quiet, giving us some time to chill out and wake up before spending the entire day stopping him from destroying our stuff.

I'm not sure if we have any errands to do today or not, we keep forgetting to buy stuff at the store, so the list of things we're either out of or almost out of is growing because of this.  I guess we'll find out.  I don't know what else is planned for today, probably more laundry and getting the living room cleaned up.  I hope S has a nap today, she didn't get much sleep last night.

I've been talking to E online today.  For those not in the know, E is one of my best friends and we've been friends since we were nine.  She lives in the Nashville area now, so I don't see her very often.  In fact, the last time I saw her was for her wedding last May.  She's still thinking about getting divorced, incidentally, but hasn't done anything about it so far.  I feel bad that she's so unhappy with her life.  I don't even know why she married him, to be honest.  He's nothing like her.  Poor girl.

I'm not sure why, but I keep getting sucked into Caillou when I'm trying to do other things, and pretty soon I'm going to have every episode memorized.

Anyway, nothing much is happening today, and my attention span is starting to go, so I'm going to have to wrap this post up and write more later once my brain starts being a brain again.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Pizza, Silly Songs, and Unemployment

Today wound up being a very full day, all things considered.  S and I ran errands, including a major grocery run, which ended in my hip grinding so badly that I could hardly make it through the store.  I single-handedly brought in all of the groceries because S really just can’t physically do that right now (though she’ll try if I let her), helped her set the Toddler up for lunch, then put away almost all the groceries myself.  What this means is that everything is nice and organized, which I quite like.  S and I seem to be the only people in the house that care if we can find food in the fridge. 

Anyway, after we got back, S got J up for the day, then the Toddler was put down for a nap, and then J went out to get some McDonald’s, and while he was gone, S was trying to make food in the kitchen for herself and managed to knock down a plate, which completely shattered all over the floor.  This would be the second time in 24 hours that something has been knocked down and broken in the kitchen.  The vacuum was necessary this time.  The plate-breakage is really my fault, though, I’m the one that stacked them haphazardly last night.  I had just finished vacuuming the area in the dining room that received a bit of plate shrapnel when Girl Child and J’s grandmother showed up (Girl Child spent the entire weekend with her great-grandmother).  While she was visiting with the family, I fixed S’s food for her so she wouldn’t have to get up again, and wound up collapsing on the couch in exhaustion.  My lunch wound up being a Choco Taco, which, while wonderful, is not really a sufficient lunch.

Just as J was getting ready to head out the door, S’s parents showed up for a visit.  I shall call them SM and SD, because they both have S names, too.  J had to go ahead and leave, and then the visiting commenced, coinciding with Toddler’s nap ending.  He was very adamant about being removed from his crib and jumped and screamed when it took me a moment to get to him.  I actually find his tantrums fairly hilarious, so this doesn’t really bother me, unless he screams directly into my ear.

Anyway, S’s parents ended up staying for dinner, and since we were already planning on having Papa Murphy’s, we just got a bigger size.  They got to see the Toddler after a quick shower, and have some cuddle time with him, and he seems to recognize them as Grandma and Grandpa, which is really cute, and there was a lot of fun this afternoon.  I got to play with the Girl Child some instead of arguing with her, too.  And we did some sort of strange group sing-along involving “The Song That Gets On Everybody’s Nerves” and “The Song That Never Ends” and other hilarity involving this type of thing.  Girl Child and I spoke whale at the tops of our voices.  (See Finding Nemo if you don’t understand.)

Anyway, I’ve spent a good portion of my afternoon and evening sorting some music for iTunes and adding it, and discovering that I have a ridiculous collection of music, and I seem never to run out of things I want to add.  Tomorrow, after I’m done sorting the rest of the unsorted stuff (I have a collection of ambient music and a collection of Randy Newman songs left to go through), I’m going to start going through what I have on iTunes itself to get the playlist parsed down to something a bit more manageable, and with less songs that I don’t really like.

I got an e-mail today from ADT informing me that they are not interested in hiring me.  Yipee.  No one is interested in hiring me.  I am so screwed.  I need a job.  I need a job that pays money and has health benefits, including vision and dental, and something to do with my brain other than surf the internet all day and play with the Toddler.  I’m very frustrated, I have actually made an effort to get a job, but no one will even give me a chance.  I hope we do move after we’re able to take M, maybe a different job market will help, maybe I’ll find a job then.  I mean, I’m not excited at the prospect of having to wait two years to get a job and I hope that I find SOMETHING in the next few months, but I’m starting to think that there really is nothing out there for me.

Anyway, I’m off to bed in a little bit in an effort to not feel like I’ve been beaten to death and reanimated by a sadist when I wake up.

Drivel, Coffee Mud, and iTunes

That nap I had yesterday resulted in me ending up with almost no sleep at all once I went to bed because S didn't go to bed until around 2:00, so I didn't fall asleep until probably 2:30, then was woken up by J when M came home (they were trying to make the dogs stop barking, and J was shouting), which was around 5:00 this morning.  Then my alarm went off at 7:00, but I ended up staying asleep until nearly 7:30, when I started getting worried about why I couldn't hear the Toddler, until I realized J had turned off the baby monitor when he went to bed. 

The Toddler was fine, though, happily playing in his crib, so I went downstairs to chat with M for a bit before I needed to retrieve the kiddo, and by the time I got upstairs, S was up and the Toddler was doing something involving his diaper that I won't mention here, but it was not a fun way to start the morning, I'll tell you now.

Anyway, S has been falling asleep on the couch off and on since about 8:00, so I made epically strong coffee.  The expression on her face when she tasted it was priceless.  I had to bring her more sugar and creamer.  This coffee is Jim-or-Davee-at-Micro-Center-strong, which means it's sentient.  It's a little stronger than I intended to make it, but at least we'll have some semblance of brain function once the caffeine hits our blood streams.

My hair is getting really long, I'm thrilled.  It's about as long as it was at the end of 2009, and considering how short I cut it last summer, that's definitely an improvement.  My intention is to let it grow as long as possible, but keep it just above the length where I could sit on it.  Then I will completely defeat the purpose of having long hair and wear it up all the time.  It's starting to thicken up a little bit, too, now that I'm not using Herbal Essences and have quit dyeing it, it's getting to be really healthy.

I'm going to spend some time (read: all of my time) today organizing my mp3s, since I now have the ability to access my files.  Speaking of files, I had a look at the file transfer on J's computer for my external, and I have over 45,000 files.  I had no idea, that's crazy.  I need to go through all of those and delete the duplicates (I know for a fact I have a lot of duplicates), and sort them into something resembling an orderly fashion.  I'm also going to clean up my iTunes and resync my iPod finally (I haven't been able to sync it since February!), and then life will just be awesome and stuff.  Or at least my music library will be updated.

S (Captain Gimpy) seems to be doing a bit better.  Sometimes I think she overdoes it a bit trying to continue to be independent, but I've been letting her because it bugs her when I try to do everything for her.  I'm just worried about her and don't want her foot to end up needing surgery or never healing.  I want her to be able to walk without crutches with good reliability, and to be able to do this with a minimum of pain.  I'm afraid if she does too much on her feet so soon after the injury that she'll never heal, but I don't know how to help without annoying the crap out of her. 

Anyway, I'm quickly drifting into incoherence.  I can't quite manage to stay on one subject for long this morning.  My single focus is my music right now.  And getting access to my photos from 2010 and the beginning of this year so I can add some to my Facebook, S told me ages ago that I could go crazy, but that's when I discovered that my external is very temperamental, so I'm very behind on uploading pictures.  I'm feeling very tangential this morning, so hopefully I'll be able to post a more coherent update later today or tomorrow.

Procrastination and File Transfers

I’m really not very good at following through with my plans.

Remember all that stuff about getting something done today?  Well, I must be the Queen of Accomplishing Nothing, because that’s pretty much what I did.  Well, I helped S get the living room cleaned up a bit and there was some play with the Toddler, and I “made” the corn for dinner tonight (I threw a bag of frozen corn into a bowl, added butter, and microwaved it), but I haven’t done much else.  I even had a nap for awhile because I was exhausted.  Honestly, if I could sleep 12 hours a day, it would be so awesome.

Anyway, I am currently writing this from the laptop I was using before the screen gave out.  J fixed it up for me.  He removed the screen, which involved completely destroying it, set up the wireless antenna so I could have internet without stretching still another ethernet cable across the living room (the antenna is taped across the chasm that once held the screen), and set it up with new drivers for the monitor so I could have a decent screen resolution.  Other than the cables completely taking over this side of the couch, it’s not bad.  My only real problem is that this keyboard is half broken, so it takes me longer to type on this computer than it does to use J’s, but at least I have the ability to use the internet when he’s here again, which I have sorely missed.  I’m going to take pictures of this amalgam soonish and post them to There I Fixed It, which is a site on the Cheezburger Network, for those not in the know.

I need to mop the kitchen soon, I don’t think J is going to do it, and there’s glass all over the floor.  I’m going to see if wet paper towels do the trick first, though, because I hate mopping.  (There was an unfortunate incident with an ashtray.)

Unfortunately, we are NOT having game tonight, because W and A are still moving into their new apartment and getting everything unpacked and put away.  But yay, they’ll only be living about 5 minutes away, so it’ll probably be easier overall to game from now on, because they won’t have to worry as much about gas and the driving time.  I’m rather disappointed that we can’t play tonight, but it’s so novel to be able to have the internet on a day when J doesn’t work that I don’t mind too much.

J also is fixing my external hard drive for me.  Well, he’s fixing it by doing a virus scan on it and moving all the files onto his computer because it’s become very temperamental and I haven’t actually been able to access anything for about a month or so.  This is very bad, because it has literally all of my files on it, and I don’t have back-ups due to that whole being broke thing.

There was talk earlier of moving to Texas, but I think that got cancelled because we want to keep M and he has to stay in Kansas for a little bit longer.  At first, I was horrified when I heard J and S talking about it, because I assumed they’d want to leave me here, but they’re planning to keep me!  Yay!!  I wish they were actual, “real” family, but they’re my family anyway, and I love them so much, and I’m so glad I get to be with them.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Semi-Consciousness and More Organization

I got to stay in bed until 8:00 this morning, but since the Toddler woke up at 6:30 and J didn’t come to get him until 7:00, when he started actively crying (I was in and out of sleep because he was playing in his crib), and then J woke me up to ask me where the off-brand Special K was at 7:30, I effectively woke up around 6:45, so I didn’t get as much sleep as it seems like I did.  I hope I can take a nap this afternoon after J wakes up so I can play game tonight.  I can’t wait.  I hope W and A show up.

Yesterday ended up being not so great.  I was so frustrated by the kitchen that there was a lot of shouting about why the pot lids were in the bread box and yelling at Sunshine, who kept coming in and getting in my way and spilling the trash bags.  However, all the mugs are put away properly, as are all the drinking glasses, probably 90% of the spices are on the spice shelf, the dishes are put away correctly, everything that is in the bread box actually belongs in the bread box, and all the pot lids and baking stuff and tupperware are put away.  Also, I organized the food cupboard and put the rest of the food in bags on the floor away.  There’s about a load and a half of dishes just sitting in the sink and on the counters right now, which I also find incredibly frustrating, because what I consider to be a load and a half gets turned into three or four loads for Girl Child, which is why the dishes are still not done.  I’m not sure how she has managed that.  Anyway, if I feel less exhausted later, I’m going to hunt up the good kitchen gloves and work on the dishes, because I’m just sick of this.

Girl Child is at her great-grandmother’s right now, so it’s particularly quiet this morning.  The Toddler is being unusually silent, watching Sprout, and S is so tired all she can do is read.  What a bunch we are.

I wound up hanging out with M for a little bit last night, which was a surprise, because I don’t often spend time with him in an effort to make him be not uncomfortable.  He was getting ready to leave for work and was dismantling a broken clothes rack, so I helped with that and carrying it out to his car.  Also, I turned a box into a hat.  Anyway, he thinks I should play Minecraft, but I’m not sure I’d be very good at it.  I’ll give it a try, but no promises.  What’s funny is that I actually went downstairs to switch over the laundry and work on another of the 8,000 loads that need to be washed, and we got to talking and I forgot about the laundry, and then J and S were home with Steak ‘n Shake, so I just never went back down.

We were going to play S’s epic-level game that she’s running for J and me, but S and I were too tired to play, and I ended up admitting defeat at about 10:30 or so and going to lay down in the bedroom, where I listened to the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix audiobook for awhile and then passed out.

It smells really good outside.  I freaking love spring.

I haven’t been conscious long enough (or had any coffee yet), so I actually have no mood other than being not quite awake yet.  The only reason I sound as coherent as I do is because I’m a better writer than a speaker.  I was going to write something else, but some asshole on a bicycle just swerved in front of a garbage truck, and I have discovered that garbage trucks have very loud horns, especially when they’re directly next to the open window right next to your ear.

Anyway, due to the bracing horn blasts, I’m all kinds of energized (or at least I got a blast of adrenaline), so I may get something done once everything stops hurting.  I need coffee.  I’m going to go, drink coffee, mess around for awhile, and then do some stuff around the house, like cleaning up the living room... or something.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Organization, Dead Birds, and Errands

I really like organizing things.  I just spent about half an hour rearranging everything in the refrigerator, throwing away bad food (that cheese was an interesting color!), and getting all the groceries we bought at the store today put away in some semblance of order.  And I enjoyed doing it.  Well, except for the scary meat.  It was purple.  I'm going to finish organizing the whole kitchen later, figure out what to do about the entire loaf of bread that J crushed with the bag of apples, and get all the dishes and stuff fixed up in the cupboards so they all fit, since Girl Child apparently doesn't care about how things are supposed to go in the cupboards.  Arrgh.  That kind of thing drives me crazy, because I'm very much a person who likes everything to have its place.

I discovered how to get myself into a position where I have the energy to do more than chase the Toddler and screw around online.  Espresso.  I love Starbucks with every fibre of my being.  I may actually get some stuff done today, if my motivation stays up.  Woo!  I'm in a terrific mood.  I got something close to enough sleep, had espresso, and now I'm full of energy and good vibes and all sorts of happy things.  I love how enormous quantities of caffeine fill me with goodwill.  Yay!

I'm having a good hair day for once today.  I feel like I actually look good for once, and it's really nice.  My hair decided to do this really cool flippy thing all on its own; all I did was brush it this morning.  I'm wearing my green dangly earrings and a choker I've had since I was 15 that I got from the Rainforest Cafe that used to be at Oak Park Mall a few years ago.  I can't remember what's there now; everything has changed.  Anyway, sorry, I'm the tangent queen.  So I feel really pretty today, which has been rare the last few months, and it feels really good.

Today we went on a few errands, which was an interesting adventure.  When we first were getting ready to leave the house, I discovered the remains of the cute baby robin that couldn't fly that we saw yesterday (when it was still alive).  The neighbors' cat apparently killed it, disemboweled it, removed its legs and head, and left the body and one leg on our front walk, directly in front of the car.  Yuck.  Poor little bird.  And damn cat.  I don't like cats very much.

S and I discovered that Price Chopper actually has those carts for people who have trouble walking, so S didn't end up having to gimp through the whole store, which was good, because we were there for quite awhile.  The Toddler rode in the cart I pushed so we wouldn't have to spend twice as long trying to get him to go where we wanted to go, which turned out to be a good thing anyway, because it gave us a place to keep the crutches and the heavy food. 

We also stopped at the SRS office so I could hand in the letter saying that I do in fact live here so I can continue receiving food stamps.  I made the lady in front of me at the drop box really uncomfortable because I'd had so much espresso by that point that I was no longer able to stand still, so I was happily dancing from foot to foot while she was finishing up her paperwork.  She glanced back at me and I said, "You're fine, I just can't stand still!"  I'm pretty sure that gave her a giggle.

I'm having a really happy day.  And now the Toddler is in his crib and has stopped screaming like a banshee, so I assume he's asleep, which means I can do a few loads of laundry in relative peace, and work on the kitchen between loads, and maybe even read one of the bazillion books I have checked out of the library.

All in all, today is being a great day so far, even with the dead bird.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Bringing the Magic Back

I decided I really want to write about the current Dungeons and Dragons campaign I'm involved in.  It's an old idea of J's, which has been attempted a few times over the last 10 years or so, but due to schedules and some people being rather unreliable and other things (like life) happening, the story has never been finished.  We're attempting it again, and so far it's been a lot of fun and rather exciting, even if S's character, Alu'un, did have her finger (temporarily) removed during the first session.

Basically, and this is only what I remember J telling us before and during the first couple of sessions back in January or February, this is a world that J designed (there's even a world map he made himself that's slowly disintegrating that we really need to get laminated before it completely turns to dust) where there is no arcane magic.  There are no wizards, sorcerers, magic weapons or items, or anything.  Something happened (I don't remember what) that broke the magical plane away from the regular plane of existence about 1,000 years before the story begins, and no one was able to access it, and magic slowly became something that was thought to be a myth.  Eventually, the plane repaired itself or something, because the god of magic, Boccob, has decided that the time has come to bring magic back to the world, because it does in fact exist.  Prior to our meeting him, our characters (Alu'un (S), Emerald (A), and Lilyana (me)) were treasure hunters working for a rogue named Haldern (W), doing things that you do when you work for a rogue.  Alu'un started the story as a scholar that did lots of research and knew places we could go to get treasure.

Anyway, we went to this temple in the middle of nowhere because Alu'un talked us into it, went through this really rigorous test involving duergar dwarves and drow elves, get teleported out of the temple, and discovered that Alu'un has been transformed from a scholar into a wizard with real magical powers.  (And she got her finger back.)  Then she used Magic Missile on Haldern like four times until he gave up and believed her.  (That part was especially hilarious.)

After that, we had a lead on a magical item that we needed, but it was in this museum of ego owned by a lord.  (We call him Lord What's-His-Butt because no one can remember his name.)  Anyway, we pretended to be nobility and went on a personal tour of the museum (there were old weapons, statues, other magic items, and the scroll that we actually needed), cased the joint, then sat down to plot how we were going to get his stuff.  At first, we were thinking of a heist, but we ended up visiting him again, and Alu'un demonstrated magic for him by conjuring a flower, handing it to him, and then watching him be amazed as it crumbled to dust.  She had to do this about five times.  Then we showed him the torches we picked up in Boccob's temple, which never go out and don't have heat, and he ended up paying us 400 gold for those and telling us we could have whatever we wanted out of his little trophy room in addition to the scroll we wanted.  It was pretty funny, actually.  Because we have a bag of holding, we took everything but the statues, so all he's got in his trophy room now are the torches and like three statues.  Hilarious.

The last three or four sessions we went through involved killing off Emerald because A moved to New Mexico for awhile, and then going through a wonderful dungeon in which we could really have used a cleric (Emerald is a cleric), because my character kept almost dying every few battles.  There was an especially grotesque one with a flesh golem that kept throwing me at the walls, at least until its arms fell off.  And a deurgar dwarf nearly killed me just by chance.  Fun stuff.  Anyway, we survived the dungeon, fought an optional boss that was a surprise succubus (whee!), and Emerald tumbled out of a portal that was ripped open when we killed the succubus (she'd been trapped for several hundred (or thousand?) years or something, didn't even remember that she was a succubus at first because of the enchantments put upon her by the wizard that owned the dungeon originally, and all that energy was released when we killed her), because A moved back and it was a better solution than forcing her to reroll a new character and having to spend an entire session setting up how we meet her.

My character is a fighter, or a beatstick, as W likes to put it, and I love her.  I like killing things.  Because I have the two-weapon fighting feat, I use a longsword in my dominant hand and a shortsword as my off-hand weapon, and I cause lots of lovely death.  In my head, my character fights like River Tam, twirling and jumping and destroying.  I told W this and he looked at me like I was stupid.

Anyway, I got bored a few weeks ago and decided to start designing dungeon floor plans, because I love drawing floor plans.  (I know this because I sometimes plan out in advance how I want to build a house when I play the Sims.)  Turns out that I'm really good at that, I've made a buttload of them for J, and every subsequent one is, "This is your best yet," and as I've been drawing them, I've been making them more and more convoluted and complicated, so we're pretty much guaranteed to die if J is using two of them combined.  Except we won't die, we just get bounced right back to life by Boccob because he wants us to complete our mission before we die.

Anyway, I'm all jazzed up about D&D and can't wait for Saturday to play some.  And hopefully we'll get to play S's epic level game on Friday, so that I can get some practice in and not forget how to do everything again, like I keep doing.  I don't know what's wrong with my brain, it's made of Swiss cheese, I swear.

I kind of want to DM a game sometime, but I'm really nervous about it because I'm not sure I'd be very good at making the game interesting.

Flash Mobs and Sleep Deprivation

Happy Cinco de Mayo!  S and I just remembered about a flash mob that’s going to happen at Crown Center either tonight at 7:00 or on the 10th at 7:00.  Pregnant women and moms wearing babies, but we can’t remember what they’re going to do or exactly when it’s happening.  S is trying to find information on it, but we can’t figure out when it’s supposed to be because we’re getting both dates when we find any info at all, and I don’t think we’d be able to go regardless due to the car situation.  Suck.

S’s mom, SM (her name also starts with an S!), visited earlier before she went to work to pick up a flash drive of some recent pictures of the kids to show S’s grandfather this weekend.  She’s really nice, the Toddler hung out with her for awhile and played with the crocheted balls she made for him.  (She keeps having to make more because Sunshine eats them.)  She’s done something different with her hair, I really like it and think I’ll have to ask her how she did it.

I managed to get to sleep a little after midnight, about three hours after I’d have liked to fall asleep, but it’s not really possible for me to go to sleep before at least 10:00 since I sleep in the living room and Girl Child’s bed time isn’t until then.  I also was woken up by J and M talking at about 5:00 this morning, J doesn’t really have an indoor voice and tends to speak loudly when he’s excited or jazzed up about something like I do, and I understand that, but I really wish he’d have his verbal conversations somewhere I’m not trying to sleep, given that I’m trying to get up by 7:00 every day.  Maybe he and M could pass notes like middle schoolers or something.

I’m actually really worried about how this sleep schedule will affect D&D this weekend, because I highly doubt I’ll be able to stay up very late, especially not if I have to get up at 7:00 the next day to help with Toddler.  We need one more adult or something with S laid up to help chase the toddler and do the child carrying and time outs and stuff in the early mornings on Sundays, because otherwise I’m going to want to kill myself.  I wish Toddler slept later.  I know it’s not really a plausible idea, I’m just really sad that we won’t get to have an epic gaming session this weekend, since we never manage to really get started until after about 9:00.  Maybe next weekend will be better.  I’m really excited about the next few sessions, we’re doing another dungeon crawl, and it’s two dungeon maps I designed put together.  J (the DM for this campaign) won’t tell me which ones because he doesn’t want me to meta-game, but I just want to know which maps they are!  Ha.  I can’t wait, really. 

I never got any laundry done yesterday (again) because I forgot.  I am full of fail!  I seriously need to get on that, though, S, the Toddler, and I are all swiftly running out of clothes.  J probably is, too, but he has decided he wants to wash his own clothes because he doesn’t like how I hang them up in the closet or something.  I think.  Girl Child knows how to do her laundry herself, but she uses it as an excuse to go downstairs and hang out with M and doesn’t actually get any of it done, which I find rather irritating.  Sometimes I’m tempted to throw away all of her dirty laundry because most of it has been dirty for months because she washes only her favorites and wears them over and over.  Kids.  *sigh*  It’s okay, though, once we go through her clothes and get rid of all the ones she won’t wear or doesn’t wear ever or don’t fit, there will be a lot less of her clothes.  We need to go through the Toddler’s clothes and get rid of all of his that are too small that aren’t keepsakes.  This cycle is just never ending, we’ve got three and a half bags of clothes to donate already.  Arrrgh, laundry!  (And don’t worry, I would never actually throw away her clothes.)

The Toddler is currently watching some sort of bizarre show with clay-looking people wigging out over laundry (hahaha) and all of them have Scottish or funky British accents.  It’s very odd.  Apparently, it’s something about firefighters, so I’m very confused about why they’re freaking out over the laundry.  And why on earth are they keeping the laundry basket under the bathroom sink?!

After the Toddler is finally done eating his breakfast (he’s ignoring it), he and I are going to have a shower and get all clean (his hair is crispy after he rubbed a banana in it last night and S tried to get it out with a baby wipe), and I think we’re doing something today, but I can’t remember what.  Fairly sure we’re going to the store or the library, but I may have lost my mind.  I know S said last night she’s buying more cigarettes today, so I imagine we’ll do a buttload of stuff while we’re out so S doesn’t have to try to get out to the car more than once or twice today.

S and I have managed to find a morning rhythm that is working fairly well, usually I’ll get the high chair out and lower it so S can clean it out, bring out Toddler’s food, and put Toddler on the couch so she can put him in and feed him, then I’ll either wash a sippy cup and get him some milk or I’ll add milk to the one in the fridge from last night (like this morning), then I’ll make coffee (S did it this morning, what a shock, I let her do something!), and once it’s brewed, I’ll make us both giant mugs of coffee and find myself some breakfast because I have to eat pretty quickly after I wake up or I’m screwed for the whole day.  I’ve been trying to handle most of the diaper changes for S so she doesn’t have to deal with the kicking and thrashing because I’m terrified the Toddler will hurt her and she’s really in enough pain as it is.

I’m hoping I’ll suck less today and actually get something done in the house.  I just wish I didn’t feel so weak and exhausted.  I’m so sleeping for a week after S is completely recovered.

Also, I updated my featured photo to the right to one of my favorite pictures of the dogs.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Low Blood Sugar and Brain Sprouts

Somehow I have managed to eat almost nothing today, and I am not doing well because of that.  I feel like my belly has been hollowed out and replaced with a beast that will shred me from the inside out, and my brain feels muzzy and uncomprehending.  I don't know how I keep doing this, but it happens with regularity, several times a week.  M just came up for the first time today, and apparently he's going to pick up food for us before we perish.  (S also managed to eat almost nothing today.)

Nothing else of note has really happened today, the Toddler decided that the best receiver of his affections today would be the wall, so he's been repeatedly kissing it, which is probably the funniest thing ever.  I got met with more fun attitude from Girl Child earlier, but that's as always.

Sprout just had a commercial for Sproutarama, and M happened to be walking into the living room and said, "Sproutarama!  It's the only thing that sprouts in your brain!"  Or something.  I've forgotten.

The Toddler is currently wreaking havoc, trying to destroy our fragile brains, and the Girl Child is in the kitchen "doing" the dishes.  (She didn't do a very good job, it turns out, after I made the discovery that all of the bowls she washed either had scum on them or bits of old food.)  S and I are having chocolate milk in an effort to raise our blood sugar enough that we will continue to be gifted with brains instead of sleepy mush.  We'll be eating soon, though, once we make a decision about what it is that we will be eating.

I have nothing else to add, really.  I even gave it an hour or so to make sure, but I'm not terribly clear-headed right now, and I haven't thought of anything, so I guess this one is done.

Weather Check!

Why is it that as soon as I left the library yesterday, I had more books available to check out by the time I returned home?  Dammit!

So I receive text messages from (The Weather Channel's website) every morning, telling me the abbreviated 36-hour forecast.  Every morning, my phone dings at around 8:25, and either I or S will say, "Weather check!"  Today, it was expanded to me saying, "Weather check!  We might have weather today, let's see."  Then I read the forecast out loud and S said, "Wait, let's double check that," and opened the window and said, "Yep, there's weather out there."

We are hilarious.

Today's plans include laundry, the library, bathing, finishing the grocery shopping, and possibly learning to cook steak.  Not necessarily in that order.  (Quite mundane, really.)

I hate this butterfly garden commercial they have on Sprout 5486379 times a day.  Where do the caterpillars come from?  Do they sell them in the winter, too?  What if they're butterflies that aren't naturally supposed to be in the climate of the new owners?  Poor butterflies.  I feel so sorry for them.

I woke up a lot easier this morning, which was nice.  S was shouting at the Toddler two minutes before my alarm and I managed to get up right away and help her.  He had escaped and was in Girl Child's room, trying to destroy her art supplies, and when I picked him up, he peed and it leaked right out of his diaper and onto my foot and Girl Child's floor.  What a way to start the day.  But now I'm full of coffee and he's occupied by Sprout, and S and I are reading MLIA stories to each other.  Who knows what's going to happen the rest of today, but it's been a good morning so far, even with the pee-on-foot incident.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Today Was a Good Day

Today was a good day.

Despite all the turmoil and the arguing with Girl Child, today was a good day.

Despite all my inner turmoil regarding his new relationship, barely five months after ending our engagement, today was a good day.

My back hurts, I'm exhausted, and it seems that the laundry pile breeds in the night and grows in new and exciting ways every time my back is turned and I feel like I'll never completely finish, but today was a good day.

There were laughs with M and S and G, and listening to the banter between them was entertaining.  I laughed at Hyperbole and a Half, because the Simple Dog stories never fail to crack me up.  I helped Girl Child with reformatting her blog and gave the Toddler a shower after he coated himself in a sheen of barbecue sauce, had Taco Bell for dinner, and read a bit more of my Bill Bryson book.  I got the trash bags out of the kitchen.  I ran errands with S driving and waiting in the car for me (taking the Toddler to the store alone is a bit of an adventure, especially since he's developed an obsession with my hair), managed to get half a grocery list worth of food and picked up my library books.

Despite how stressed I've been today (which is probably more due to the scant five hours of sleep I had last night than today's events, to tell the truth), despite everything, today has been a good day.

I even managed to get along with the Girl Child this evening, which was nice.  I like it when we get along.

I didn't vacuum anything, but M helped me get the laundry that's in baskets downstairs so I can get started on that already.  If Girl Child ever gets her room clean, we can have her put her clean clothes away and have use of a basket for more clothes again.  It really does seem like the laundry is neverending.

I'm going to go to sleep tonight thankful that I am surrounded by these wonderful people I can call my adopted family.

I Don't Handle Teenagers Well

I'm currently home alone with the Toddler and Girl Child, and she was about to start on the kitchen (her only chore), and I asked her, quite reasonably, I thought, to take all of her stuff and put it away before she went into the kitchen (her laptop, homework, backpack, and other assorted belongings were all over the couch and a TV tray), and because she kept asking me why and trying to get out of it, I wound up blowing up at her.  Because apparently it's unreasonable of me to ask her to clean her stuff up when I'm about to release her brother from my lap and let him run around.  I mean, what does she care if he pokes his eye out with her pen or breaks her flash drive or pops keys off her laptop?  For fuck's sake.

I probably shouldn't have blown up at her, I could use the excuse that I am exhausted and stressed, but it was probably not the best thing I could have done.  However, I have no idea what I could have done, because even with the blowing up, she still didn't pick up all of her crap before going into the kitchen, and I spent a full five minutes dragging a reluctant 17 month old around the living room by the hand while I got the rest of her stuff and trash taken care of so he wouldn't destroy her things or eat the trash.  I'm just not equipped to know how to deal with her effectively.  Maybe it's because of my age and because I don't have any kids yet, or maybe there isn't a good way to deal with that kind of resistance.  I just want to beat my head through a wall.  I love her so much, but she makes me crazy when she treats me like I'm not an authority figure and completely disregards what I ask her to do.

I love the fact that the Toddler loves The Good Night Show on Sprout so much that I stuck him in the giant lazy chair to see if he'd stay, and he's just sitting there watching it.  He's so weird.  He kissed and hugged the vacuum earlier.  I love him.  Even when he tries to break my jaw, which was his primary goal while I was trying to get Girl Child to clean up her stuff before going into the kitchen.

Apparently the children just do not like me today.  I'm so going to bed super early tonight, and sleeping for about 12 hours.

S and M (haha) are having a friend, G, over tonight for video games and sushi.  G is very quiet.  I have yet to have an actual conversation with him.

The Toddler just ran over to give me a big hug and kiss, and that pretty much just made everything all better.  I'm going to take him outside and have a cigarette while he runs in circles in the yard.

Captain Gimpy and the Toddler

S and I are secretly about 14 years old.  ("I wish my fingernails were like yours, I hate mine."  "Yeah, well, I wish my fingernails were like yours."  "You shut up."  "You shut up.")

I went to bed at 2:00 this morning, due to my inability to sleep, with a towel on the couch under a sheet, because the ice pack J made for S yesterday afternoon leaked very badly without our knowledge.  I set my alarm clock for 7:00 and am exhausted already, and it's barely 10.  I can't wait until the Toddler goes down for his nap, I may nap, too.

Today, I have made coffee, juggled the Toddler on my hip while trying to set up the high chair one handed, fed the Toddler, prepared mugs of coffee for S and myself, and made my own breakfast (Cocoa Puffs).  The Toddler had a banana and Cocoa Puffs.

The Wiggles are really strange.  ("Fruit Salad.  Yummy yummy.  Fruit Salad.  Yummy yummy.")

I plan on getting all the laundry I can downstairs today, and maybe vacuuming the hallway today if I can manage it.  I think I'm also making dinner, but I'm not sure what's happening with that yet, since S and I haven't really discussed it.

What is this with the Toddler's obsession with his mother's shoes?  Crazy baby.  He's gigantic.  I remember when I met him last February, he was so little.  And he barfed on me.  (Well, spit up, not really barf.)  He's almost up to my waist now, and he talks a little, and he is rapidly developing his own personality.  It's so cool to watch someone develop and change like that.

Sometimes I think he's as close as I'll get to ever having a kid of my own.

S polished his toenails green yesterday morning.  It actually looks REALLY cute, especially since he basically has his mother's feet, so his feet look really nice with polish on them, just like his momma's.

I have a huge reading list that I'm working my way through, here are the books I have checked out of the library now that I haven't read yet:

The Lost Continent: Travels In Small-Town America - Bill Bryson (currently about halfway through)
The Great Typo Hunt by Jeff Deck and Benjamin D. Herson
Grimm's Fairy Tales by The Brothers Grimm
Hans Christian Anderson's Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Anderson
(both of the fairy tale books are closer to the original stories, so there's more blood and murder and pitchforks)
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
The Time-Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

 Books on hold that I haven't picked up/aren't available yet:

Serenity Vol. 3: The Shepherd's Tale by Zack Whedon and Joss Whedon (I'm still waiting for Vol. 2: Better Days to be available, but I don't necessarily need to read them in order.)
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffery Chauser
A Girl Could Stand Up by Leslie Marshall (I've already read this a few times, but it's really good.)
Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson
Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe by Bill Bryson
Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner
Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care by Jennifer Block
Chasing Fire by Nora Roberts

(I've got other holds, too, but they're either books I've already read a couple of times or are holds for S and the Toddler.)

Books I have out that I've already finished:

The Girl She Used to Be by David Cristofano
Nanny Returns by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus
Serenity Vol. 1: Those Left Behind by Joss Whedon

There are also a few books that I have out that I got for the Toddler, but he's not very interested in reading these days, so I may wait a few more months before getting more out for him, like when he stop trying to destroy everything in the world and actually will sit and let us read a whole book to him instead of letting us get four pages in and then wanting to run around and shred the book.  Hilarious.

Anyway, I need to get going, I have to pick up my available holds.  Woo-hoo!  Anyway, today isn't the greatest day ever, but I'm still in a terrific mood, even with trying to keep the Toddler out of the laundry and everything else he's after.  All in all, just a regular day, even with Captain Gimpy (S) being almost completely out of commission, poor thing.