I really shouldn't try to write blog posts when I'm tired. That's really why I haven't been posting lately - I've been tired for the whole week. It's been kind of awful. Anyway, I was looking over last night's post, and found lots of really weird bits where the words in the sentences didn't make sense.
I was so desperate for chocolate earlier that I mixed together some baking cocoa, sugar, a bit of butter, a bit of milk, vanilla extract, and a little cinnamon together to create a concoction that was sort of a cross between chocolate syrup and liquefied candy bar, which was more what I was going for. I'm not sure what I'd need to do to improve this, but I was impressed with myself for my first attempt. It was so rich, though, that I had to add more milk to it so I could ingest it and get some form of chocolate. Oh my god chocolate, how I love you. I'd love you more if I could type properly, but between the keyboard slowly dying and my dyslexic fingers, I'm screwed on that one.
After the Toddler and S wake up (they are napping), we are going to the store. I have forgotten what we're buying, but I hope it's chocolatey. Because everything seriously needs to be made out of chocolate right now. I want to live in a chocolate house and just take great big bites out of the walls.
I am not normal.
The Girl Child has yet to return home from her visit with her best friend, who is in town visiting her dad for the summer. (Girl Child's best friend currently lives in New Mexico with her mother and only sees her father during school breaks.) Don't worry, I'll think of an abbreviation for the girl sometime soon - I'll need to, as she'll be around a lot, hanging out with Girl Child.
E is coming into town this Thursday. We're going to go out for an activity of some sort that will surely involve eating food, and then she'll drop me back at home and continue on to her dad's house. She comes back to Kansas every summer for Royal Family Kids Camp, which is a summer camp for abused and neglected children, and the last couple of times, she's managed to stop by to visit me for at least a little bit, either going to her dad's or on the way back to Nashville. I can't wait to see her, though I imagine she'll be horrorstruck by how fat I've gotten just since last year. At least this time my hair isn't all falling out from hair dye, too.
I need to start finding clothes for going to the store and stuff, the Toddler has been asleep for ages, so I'm pretty sure he'll wake up soon. He may not, though - he woke up at 3:00 and stayed up. Only after bashing S and me with his head when S was trying to get him to sleep with her in the bed. I'm not sure what time S got up this morning, because I was asleep and didn't wake up until 9:00 this morning. I thought J was a fold in the blankets on the other side of the bed and accidentally kicked him, but all he did was roll over and stick his arms out weirdly, so I guess I didn't hurt him.
I'm hoping this week we can take ALL the laundry to the laundromat and just get it all washed at once. And get Girl Child's room cleaned out so there's room to put all her clothes away so she'll stop stealing all the laundry baskets.
Today I need to find as many of my clothes as possible and wash them; I'm completely out of clothes and I'm really annoyed about it.
Anyway, obviously today isn't the most exciting day ever. It's hot and muggy and disgusting outside. I'm going to get dressed the rest of the way and then work on my crocheting some more, though I think I'll temporarily abandon the bag for awhile because I really want to get started on the actual work of getting the afghan all put together and stuff.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A Tornado Outbreak Makes For a Crazy Week
This has been one hell of a week.
Last Sunday evening, an F5 tornado hit the city of Joplin, Missouri. This is the town that one of my friends, CG, lives in with her husband and daughter, and several of my friends have friends and family there. There are 139 confirmed dead already, and they haven’t even found everyone yet. Joplin isn’t exactly a small town, its population numbers somewhere around 50,000, and there’s a six-block section of the city, cut from west to east, that is just flattened. CG was barely missed, she lives two blocks north of where the really bad damage starts, and they came out of it with just some trees that needed to be removed, not even any broken windows. I know she’s lost at least three coworkers and some friends, I’m not too sure how many because it’s not like she’s got a counter up on her Facebook profile, and she’s been pretty quiet about it. I feel really terrible for her, I can’t imagine what that’s like, to lose so many people at once, to see your entire hometown ripped to shreds - I’ve been in a few close calls and one small tornado, which I think was an F2, when I was a toddler, but I’ve never witnessed firsthand that kind of destruction on that scale, or known I’d lost everything, that almost everyone I know has as well. Today is CG’s daughter’s second birthday. I was invited to the birthday party, but there’s no way I could get down there now, and I don’t think she could have made it all the way up here to pick me up, now that all this has happened.
I don’t really remember what happened on Monday. I think there was probably some stuff that happened, but damned if I can remember what occurred. It obviously wasn’t important. Apparently Monday was a void.
We bought a weather radio on Tuesday (the 24th), and got it all set up in time for us to have some lovely severe thunderstorms come in while I was babysitting the kids. I kept The Weather Channel on the whole night and watched as tornado after tornado hit Texas and Oklahoma and Arkansas, and another one just scraped by Joplin. The weather radio freaked out regularly about every 10 minutes or so because S didn’t get it programmed for our county until the next morning.
On Wednesday, there was an F0 tornado that went straight through the middle of Overland Park. It was actually a very large, wedge-shaped tornado, but it just didn’t have any oomph behind it, which was why there was almost no damage (some light tree damage was the extent, I believe), because it was large and slow-moving... We got so lucky. If it had had more power behind it, it would have completely destroyed Overland Park, more than likely. It passed by less than two miles from home, and S and I had to get J out of bed and downstairs and woke M up in the process and spent a good twenty minutes in the basement, and then stayed upstairs for the second set of sirens because it wasn’t going to pass remotely close to the house, or at least not close enough to worry about. (S could seriously be a meteorologist.)
Thursday was Girl Child’s last day of school. She did fantastically, as always, though her hair was... special. She and S teased it up that morning and made it crazy and … well, crazy, because she wanted to make a statement for the last day of school.
J brought AB home with him from work Thursday night, so she was there Friday when we all woke up. She’s a nice enough girl, but after awhile she’s a bit grating. Probably because she’s consistently a teenager in her behavior. She actually ended up irritating the crap out of me just by being there all day. I can see why S gets so sick of me sometimes. Anyway, we ended up taking her with us on our errands, most of which involved them staying in the car while I took the Toddler in with me wherever I was going because he cried when I left him in the car. I got the yarn I needed to finish my afghan, and pillow inserts for the matching pillows I’m making, and made a stop at Micro Center, and Wal-Mart - we were out of the house for about five hours and did not stop all day. Friday was exhausting.
Friday night, we started to start a new game of D&D, but it was taking forever for character creation because J was too busy playing Minecraft to remember that he was supposed to be explaining all this to AB, so S and I ended up going to bed once we got too tired to stay up any longer. I’m pretty sure AB isn’t smart enough to play D&D anyway, she can’t even spell charisma. I have generally found that most people who play D&D and are good at it are ridiculously smart. I hope I become a good player, though I have no illusions about my intelligence. I am not as smart as I was when I was in high school. I mean, I could still out-think most of the people I had the misfortune of attending high school with, but a potato could out-think some of those people. Anyway, W, S, and J are all ridiculously smart, and they are all good at D&D. I’m not sure AB will even be able to figure out what J is talking about half the time, unless he dumbs his explanation down a lot.
Yesterday was okay, W and A showed up on time, but then W went back to their apartment for an hour to look for A’s dice, so we still didn’t start until after 10:00, but we got the story advanced a little bit, at least. I’m finally starting to consistently remember how to do everything and am needing less and less help knowing what kind of die I need for a roll (though I have enough dice at this point that it is difficult to find the right kind just by them being camouflaged by all the other ones), and I’m getting pretty good at levelling my character up without any help. I imagine other stuff besides game-related stuff happened, but once again, the rest of the day is a blank.
Today hasn’t been very eventful. I was woken up by S asking me where the hell I put the Wheat Thins, but they were under J’s window for unknown reasons, which I knew but had no part in causing. Anyway, nothing important has happened today. I made cornbread so J could have lunch at work, I acquired some new music that I’m sorting through, and I baby-sat the Toddler for awhile this evening for about an hour and a half. He cried the entire time until I stripped him naked and let him lay on me and eat peaches. Toddlers are so freaking strange. The morning of the Overland Park tornado, he rubbed an entire handful of cottage cheese into his eye.
I’ve been incredibly cranky for most of the day, though apparently you wouldn’t know it. I am short on patience and I just want to bite off the head of whoever is foolhardy enough to bother me. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Probably a combination of not having any coffee this morning and we ran out of cigarettes this morning and because J has an e-cig, they’ve decided to stop buying them altogether, which leaves me quitting cold turkey and I am very unhappy about this because I don’t currently want to quit at all. I know it’s not really my choice - it’s not my money, if they don’t want to buy them, I can’t change that. Anyway, I’m irrationally and disproportionately angry about the whole thing in addition to feeling rubbed completely raw by being completely without cigarettes for almost the whole day. I’m actually really glad Girl Child is staying over at a friend’s house tonight, so I won’t randomly start yelling at her for absolutely no reason. That would suck, and she wouldn’t deserve it. At least I recognize this, which is why I've put in the earbuds and am not talking to anyone, because anytime I talk to anybody, I don't sound very nice.
I think another part of my problem is that I abstractly stopped writing this week, and I probably shouldn’t have. I don’t really have another outlet to just get some of this stuff out of my head, I don’t talk to anyone, ever, so it just gets internalized if I don’t write about it. Fun.
Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, we’ll see what happens then. Probably nothing. Tonight, my plans are to finish off this bag I’m making to keep my scrap yarn in and then move on to working on the squares for the afghan as soon as possible. I’m going to see if I can watch Orphan while crocheting, but I’ve never seen it, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I don’t generally do horror very well.
Last Sunday evening, an F5 tornado hit the city of Joplin, Missouri. This is the town that one of my friends, CG, lives in with her husband and daughter, and several of my friends have friends and family there. There are 139 confirmed dead already, and they haven’t even found everyone yet. Joplin isn’t exactly a small town, its population numbers somewhere around 50,000, and there’s a six-block section of the city, cut from west to east, that is just flattened. CG was barely missed, she lives two blocks north of where the really bad damage starts, and they came out of it with just some trees that needed to be removed, not even any broken windows. I know she’s lost at least three coworkers and some friends, I’m not too sure how many because it’s not like she’s got a counter up on her Facebook profile, and she’s been pretty quiet about it. I feel really terrible for her, I can’t imagine what that’s like, to lose so many people at once, to see your entire hometown ripped to shreds - I’ve been in a few close calls and one small tornado, which I think was an F2, when I was a toddler, but I’ve never witnessed firsthand that kind of destruction on that scale, or known I’d lost everything, that almost everyone I know has as well. Today is CG’s daughter’s second birthday. I was invited to the birthday party, but there’s no way I could get down there now, and I don’t think she could have made it all the way up here to pick me up, now that all this has happened.
I don’t really remember what happened on Monday. I think there was probably some stuff that happened, but damned if I can remember what occurred. It obviously wasn’t important. Apparently Monday was a void.
We bought a weather radio on Tuesday (the 24th), and got it all set up in time for us to have some lovely severe thunderstorms come in while I was babysitting the kids. I kept The Weather Channel on the whole night and watched as tornado after tornado hit Texas and Oklahoma and Arkansas, and another one just scraped by Joplin. The weather radio freaked out regularly about every 10 minutes or so because S didn’t get it programmed for our county until the next morning.
On Wednesday, there was an F0 tornado that went straight through the middle of Overland Park. It was actually a very large, wedge-shaped tornado, but it just didn’t have any oomph behind it, which was why there was almost no damage (some light tree damage was the extent, I believe), because it was large and slow-moving... We got so lucky. If it had had more power behind it, it would have completely destroyed Overland Park, more than likely. It passed by less than two miles from home, and S and I had to get J out of bed and downstairs and woke M up in the process and spent a good twenty minutes in the basement, and then stayed upstairs for the second set of sirens because it wasn’t going to pass remotely close to the house, or at least not close enough to worry about. (S could seriously be a meteorologist.)
Thursday was Girl Child’s last day of school. She did fantastically, as always, though her hair was... special. She and S teased it up that morning and made it crazy and … well, crazy, because she wanted to make a statement for the last day of school.
J brought AB home with him from work Thursday night, so she was there Friday when we all woke up. She’s a nice enough girl, but after awhile she’s a bit grating. Probably because she’s consistently a teenager in her behavior. She actually ended up irritating the crap out of me just by being there all day. I can see why S gets so sick of me sometimes. Anyway, we ended up taking her with us on our errands, most of which involved them staying in the car while I took the Toddler in with me wherever I was going because he cried when I left him in the car. I got the yarn I needed to finish my afghan, and pillow inserts for the matching pillows I’m making, and made a stop at Micro Center, and Wal-Mart - we were out of the house for about five hours and did not stop all day. Friday was exhausting.
Friday night, we started to start a new game of D&D, but it was taking forever for character creation because J was too busy playing Minecraft to remember that he was supposed to be explaining all this to AB, so S and I ended up going to bed once we got too tired to stay up any longer. I’m pretty sure AB isn’t smart enough to play D&D anyway, she can’t even spell charisma. I have generally found that most people who play D&D and are good at it are ridiculously smart. I hope I become a good player, though I have no illusions about my intelligence. I am not as smart as I was when I was in high school. I mean, I could still out-think most of the people I had the misfortune of attending high school with, but a potato could out-think some of those people. Anyway, W, S, and J are all ridiculously smart, and they are all good at D&D. I’m not sure AB will even be able to figure out what J is talking about half the time, unless he dumbs his explanation down a lot.
Yesterday was okay, W and A showed up on time, but then W went back to their apartment for an hour to look for A’s dice, so we still didn’t start until after 10:00, but we got the story advanced a little bit, at least. I’m finally starting to consistently remember how to do everything and am needing less and less help knowing what kind of die I need for a roll (though I have enough dice at this point that it is difficult to find the right kind just by them being camouflaged by all the other ones), and I’m getting pretty good at levelling my character up without any help. I imagine other stuff besides game-related stuff happened, but once again, the rest of the day is a blank.
Today hasn’t been very eventful. I was woken up by S asking me where the hell I put the Wheat Thins, but they were under J’s window for unknown reasons, which I knew but had no part in causing. Anyway, nothing important has happened today. I made cornbread so J could have lunch at work, I acquired some new music that I’m sorting through, and I baby-sat the Toddler for awhile this evening for about an hour and a half. He cried the entire time until I stripped him naked and let him lay on me and eat peaches. Toddlers are so freaking strange. The morning of the Overland Park tornado, he rubbed an entire handful of cottage cheese into his eye.
I’ve been incredibly cranky for most of the day, though apparently you wouldn’t know it. I am short on patience and I just want to bite off the head of whoever is foolhardy enough to bother me. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Probably a combination of not having any coffee this morning and we ran out of cigarettes this morning and because J has an e-cig, they’ve decided to stop buying them altogether, which leaves me quitting cold turkey and I am very unhappy about this because I don’t currently want to quit at all. I know it’s not really my choice - it’s not my money, if they don’t want to buy them, I can’t change that. Anyway, I’m irrationally and disproportionately angry about the whole thing in addition to feeling rubbed completely raw by being completely without cigarettes for almost the whole day. I’m actually really glad Girl Child is staying over at a friend’s house tonight, so I won’t randomly start yelling at her for absolutely no reason. That would suck, and she wouldn’t deserve it. At least I recognize this, which is why I've put in the earbuds and am not talking to anyone, because anytime I talk to anybody, I don't sound very nice.
I think another part of my problem is that I abstractly stopped writing this week, and I probably shouldn’t have. I don’t really have another outlet to just get some of this stuff out of my head, I don’t talk to anyone, ever, so it just gets internalized if I don’t write about it. Fun.
Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, we’ll see what happens then. Probably nothing. Tonight, my plans are to finish off this bag I’m making to keep my scrap yarn in and then move on to working on the squares for the afghan as soon as possible. I’m going to see if I can watch Orphan while crocheting, but I’ve never seen it, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I don’t generally do horror very well.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Tornadoes, Graduation(s), and New People
Things have been a little hectic here lately, which is why I haven't posted. Mom's graduation went well, except for the fact that my camera refuses to take good pictures in gigantic rooms from large distances, so I have almost no good pictures of her graduating, but I did get a very funny video of her waving her diploma at us (I was there with my aunt and uncle), and we got some group pictures, which unfortunately have the color balance messed up on them. When I put them on the computer, I'm going to edit them and hopefully fix them.
Friday was Girl Child's sixth grade graduation, and everyone in the house except the dogs and M went to see it. I got some pictures of her getting her certificates, but unfortunately missed out on getting some good pictures because the Toddler was screaming and had to be removed. Friday was a nothing-special kind of day beyond that.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. J let S and me sleep in and took care of the Toddler for awhile until we got up, partly because the Toddler woke up at midnight and didn't go back to sleep until like 5:30 and then woke up at 7:00. Nobody got much sleep, even with me going to bed at 7:30, so it was a fucked kind of morning. Then we had errands, and then S had an errand that she had to go on and I needed to get the house at least partially cleaned up because we were having a new person over, and I was having a hard time getting J out of bed, so there was a bit of a meltdown on my part because I couldn't get everything done and felt like an epic failure. The only upside of the afternoon was that the Toddler actually napped, unlike Friday when he fell asleep in the car for a few minutes and then absolutely refused to nap at home.
J's new friend from work came to visit yesterday, which was why I was cleaning so frantically. I managed to get the hallway completely clear of laundry and J took it all to the basement in trash bags for me, and J got the toys and other stuff picked up off the floor, and then we collapsed onto the furniture until J's new friend arrived. I'm not sure what to call her, her name also starts with an A, so I think I'll call her AB, which are her initials. (Thirty seconds of Facebook sleuthing to find that out. Whee.) Anyway, she was a completely new entity to me, so I was a bit shy/aloof at first, because that's just how I am with new people sometimes. It wasn't until S got home awhile later that I loosened up and got a bit more comfortable. J grilled pork chops and steaks and we had a team effort on the veggies, and then the Toddler needed a second bath because he was completely covered in food goop.
As a side note, while I was clearing out the laundry, a fat black spider fell on my chest from the inside of some clothes, and managed to bite me on my collarbone before being flung to the floor, where J killed it while I flailed hysterically and held the Toddler behind me. With a bottle of Wet. Yes. It's funny now, but at the time it was horrible. Anyway, my collarbone is itchy.
W and A didn't arrive until after 10:00, with LW, so we started game very late, and just as we were really starting to get involved in it, I heard tornado sirens. A went to the door and said that the air felt stagnant and completely still, and S jumped up and leaped across the room to her computer to check the weather radar because we don't have a weather radio right now, said that there was a tornado that looked like it was heading straight for us, and we all mobilized and started grabbing stuff. I went and scared the living hell out of Girl Child by bursting into her room and yelling the essentials at her, then grabbed the Toddler out of bed (he didn't even wake up) and ran downstairs with him. A started crying with LW in her arms because their dogs and cat were alone in their apartment and she was scared they'd die, and then she started trying to get in contact with her mother, but her phone didn't get reception in the basement, even by the window, so she tried AB's phone, which also had no reception, so I sent someone up to get my phone so A could try it, but all she could do was access the internet on it, it wouldn't call or send texts. (It limited us to emergency calls only and nobody thought to grab the house phone.) After awhile, S decided it would be safe to go back upstairs, so I put the Toddler back to bed (and luckily he didn't cry), and we called game for the night. I also managed to get LW to sleep for a little while, too, until W and A decided to go home.
This reminded me of a Thank God School's Over party in high school where there were severe storms and we ended up in the basement being terrified that we'd be blown away. I don't remember enough about that specific party to give more details than that, but it was pretty special.
J let me sleep until 9:30 this morning, and since he went to bed and I got up, the Toddler has thrown several tantrums, which somehow did not wake AB, he attempted to bite me during a time-out, and now he's chilling out in his high chair and we're just sitting around the living room.
I'm pretty sure today is going to be a nothing-much kind of day, too. That's okay, because I like it that way.
Friday was Girl Child's sixth grade graduation, and everyone in the house except the dogs and M went to see it. I got some pictures of her getting her certificates, but unfortunately missed out on getting some good pictures because the Toddler was screaming and had to be removed. Friday was a nothing-special kind of day beyond that.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. J let S and me sleep in and took care of the Toddler for awhile until we got up, partly because the Toddler woke up at midnight and didn't go back to sleep until like 5:30 and then woke up at 7:00. Nobody got much sleep, even with me going to bed at 7:30, so it was a fucked kind of morning. Then we had errands, and then S had an errand that she had to go on and I needed to get the house at least partially cleaned up because we were having a new person over, and I was having a hard time getting J out of bed, so there was a bit of a meltdown on my part because I couldn't get everything done and felt like an epic failure. The only upside of the afternoon was that the Toddler actually napped, unlike Friday when he fell asleep in the car for a few minutes and then absolutely refused to nap at home.
J's new friend from work came to visit yesterday, which was why I was cleaning so frantically. I managed to get the hallway completely clear of laundry and J took it all to the basement in trash bags for me, and J got the toys and other stuff picked up off the floor, and then we collapsed onto the furniture until J's new friend arrived. I'm not sure what to call her, her name also starts with an A, so I think I'll call her AB, which are her initials. (Thirty seconds of Facebook sleuthing to find that out. Whee.) Anyway, she was a completely new entity to me, so I was a bit shy/aloof at first, because that's just how I am with new people sometimes. It wasn't until S got home awhile later that I loosened up and got a bit more comfortable. J grilled pork chops and steaks and we had a team effort on the veggies, and then the Toddler needed a second bath because he was completely covered in food goop.
As a side note, while I was clearing out the laundry, a fat black spider fell on my chest from the inside of some clothes, and managed to bite me on my collarbone before being flung to the floor, where J killed it while I flailed hysterically and held the Toddler behind me. With a bottle of Wet. Yes. It's funny now, but at the time it was horrible. Anyway, my collarbone is itchy.
W and A didn't arrive until after 10:00, with LW, so we started game very late, and just as we were really starting to get involved in it, I heard tornado sirens. A went to the door and said that the air felt stagnant and completely still, and S jumped up and leaped across the room to her computer to check the weather radar because we don't have a weather radio right now, said that there was a tornado that looked like it was heading straight for us, and we all mobilized and started grabbing stuff. I went and scared the living hell out of Girl Child by bursting into her room and yelling the essentials at her, then grabbed the Toddler out of bed (he didn't even wake up) and ran downstairs with him. A started crying with LW in her arms because their dogs and cat were alone in their apartment and she was scared they'd die, and then she started trying to get in contact with her mother, but her phone didn't get reception in the basement, even by the window, so she tried AB's phone, which also had no reception, so I sent someone up to get my phone so A could try it, but all she could do was access the internet on it, it wouldn't call or send texts. (It limited us to emergency calls only and nobody thought to grab the house phone.) After awhile, S decided it would be safe to go back upstairs, so I put the Toddler back to bed (and luckily he didn't cry), and we called game for the night. I also managed to get LW to sleep for a little while, too, until W and A decided to go home.
This reminded me of a Thank God School's Over party in high school where there were severe storms and we ended up in the basement being terrified that we'd be blown away. I don't remember enough about that specific party to give more details than that, but it was pretty special.
J let me sleep until 9:30 this morning, and since he went to bed and I got up, the Toddler has thrown several tantrums, which somehow did not wake AB, he attempted to bite me during a time-out, and now he's chilling out in his high chair and we're just sitting around the living room.
I'm pretty sure today is going to be a nothing-much kind of day, too. That's okay, because I like it that way.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Graduation Ceremony of Doom and Laundry Stress
My mother's graduation from community college is today. I really don't want to go, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. So I'm going.
I was planning on dressing in comfortable clothes and just being casual, but I found out yesterday that other family is going to be there, so now of course I have to dress nicely and polish my toenails and wear makeup and actually do something with my hair. And wear jewelry. I feel like I have to look way more together than I actually am.
This morning was kind of weird. We had to get up a little earlier than usual because J had an early meeting at work, which puts him at work for 12 hours, and the Toddler had a check-up at the doctor. The poor little guy had to have a shot, too, which was awful, I felt so bad for him. Because S is currently a gimp, I had to hold him down while the nurse was sticking him, and it was awful, watching his little body cringe in response. It even made him limp a little. And everything made him cry after that, too. There was another baby somewhere in the office who was crying from getting a shot, and it made him start up all over again as we were checking out of the office, and I ended up taking him out into the hallway to wait for S to finish scheduling the next appointment or whatever she was doing.
We had to go to Wal-Mart after that, and it was supposed to be just me and the Toddler going in so S wouldn't have to get herself in and out of Wal-Mart in the rain on crutches, but she wanted to go in so we could look at a replacement for the cassette adapter for the car. Of course, we forgot all about it and didn't end up buying one at all. Lots of facepalming. Yay! But we managed to buy pretty much everything else we needed to buy, so at least we didn't forget everything. I got some more yarn so I can finish making all the squares for my afghan, which is exciting, and then later S is going to help me choose a color for the border and edging and stuff, because I've got no idea what I want to use.
I'm exhausted, even after four shots of espresso. The kitchen is completely covered in mud because of our lovely canines. Why did it have to rain today?
The Girl Child should be home from school any minute now, which will just add still another layer of chaos to this afternoon's shenanigans. I love her, but kids do tend to complicate situations sometimes.
The clean laundry pile is currently bigger than me. Unfortunately, the dirty laundry pile is about three times the size of the clean laundry pile. Oh boy. I suggested that we just get rid of all our clothes and become nudists, but M and Girl Child vetoed that idea. Dammit, now I have to actually fold all of that stuff. I hate folding, I much prefer the washing part of it. I'd even rather lug everything to the basement than fold. Though I do like putting it away once it is folded. So maybe S can fold everything and I can wash it and put it away. Woo, teamwork!
Anyway, I need to go check on the Toddler and find something nice to wear for tonight. Oh my god.
I was planning on dressing in comfortable clothes and just being casual, but I found out yesterday that other family is going to be there, so now of course I have to dress nicely and polish my toenails and wear makeup and actually do something with my hair. And wear jewelry. I feel like I have to look way more together than I actually am.
This morning was kind of weird. We had to get up a little earlier than usual because J had an early meeting at work, which puts him at work for 12 hours, and the Toddler had a check-up at the doctor. The poor little guy had to have a shot, too, which was awful, I felt so bad for him. Because S is currently a gimp, I had to hold him down while the nurse was sticking him, and it was awful, watching his little body cringe in response. It even made him limp a little. And everything made him cry after that, too. There was another baby somewhere in the office who was crying from getting a shot, and it made him start up all over again as we were checking out of the office, and I ended up taking him out into the hallway to wait for S to finish scheduling the next appointment or whatever she was doing.
We had to go to Wal-Mart after that, and it was supposed to be just me and the Toddler going in so S wouldn't have to get herself in and out of Wal-Mart in the rain on crutches, but she wanted to go in so we could look at a replacement for the cassette adapter for the car. Of course, we forgot all about it and didn't end up buying one at all. Lots of facepalming. Yay! But we managed to buy pretty much everything else we needed to buy, so at least we didn't forget everything. I got some more yarn so I can finish making all the squares for my afghan, which is exciting, and then later S is going to help me choose a color for the border and edging and stuff, because I've got no idea what I want to use.
I'm exhausted, even after four shots of espresso. The kitchen is completely covered in mud because of our lovely canines. Why did it have to rain today?
The Girl Child should be home from school any minute now, which will just add still another layer of chaos to this afternoon's shenanigans. I love her, but kids do tend to complicate situations sometimes.
The clean laundry pile is currently bigger than me. Unfortunately, the dirty laundry pile is about three times the size of the clean laundry pile. Oh boy. I suggested that we just get rid of all our clothes and become nudists, but M and Girl Child vetoed that idea. Dammit, now I have to actually fold all of that stuff. I hate folding, I much prefer the washing part of it. I'd even rather lug everything to the basement than fold. Though I do like putting it away once it is folded. So maybe S can fold everything and I can wash it and put it away. Woo, teamwork!
Anyway, I need to go check on the Toddler and find something nice to wear for tonight. Oh my god.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Negativity
I try to be the best person I can be. I do my best to respect boundaries, be tactful, kind, and helpful to those I live with. I try to avoid accidental rudeness to people I don't know well and to people in public. I do my best not to talk so much, because I know I'm a talker, and I can be really, really annoying. I try to be the best friend possible, and avoid stepping on toes if I know there are places I can end up doing so.
I really want to make that clear. I try to respect the privacy of my friends (which is why, despite what I say about the personal lives of those I live with and am close to, there are no names mentioned, and I'm rather vague about certain subjects), I try to make sure everyone around me is comfortable.
I just don't know if that makes me a shadow. Does that mean that I am not a person? I spend so much time worrying about how everyone else is feeling, that I don't often make sure that I am actually happy, too. Most of the time I am. I am happy here. I am happy being part of this weird patchwork family. I just wish I had the balls to be a bitch when I feel like it. I wish I had the balls to tell people what I really think sometimes. This is not to say that I am not honest. I almost never lie. I hate lying, and I hate being lied to, and I think it's wrong to do so, but. But. I lie about my feelings sometimes. I pretend that I am okay when I am most assuredly not okay. I don't tell people when I am angry with them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings or be pushed out of their lives. I don't know how to communicate properly. I can't bring myself to sometimes. I'm full of this fear that I'll end up homeless and alone if I speak up when I am angry, and so I let it go, and I pretend I am fine, and then eventually I forget about it and I am fine.
This is probably not healthy, all this self-sacrificing. It is probably healthy to be a little selfish.
But I don't want to be selfish. I'm terrified that I am far more selfish than I think I am. And I just can't stand the thought that I could be, that I could be taking things away from someone around me that needs it more. I don't like being given things, or eating what I like, or any of it, because whatever it is could be used for someone who needs it more, deserves it more.
I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this. M just brought me a smoothie from Panera, and I feel both guilty and delighted as I'm drinking it.
I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, because I want things, because I might need things. Because sometimes I want some attention, or maybe I want more attention than I'm actually entitled to have.
I'm just feeling a little negative tonight.
I really want to make that clear. I try to respect the privacy of my friends (which is why, despite what I say about the personal lives of those I live with and am close to, there are no names mentioned, and I'm rather vague about certain subjects), I try to make sure everyone around me is comfortable.
I just don't know if that makes me a shadow. Does that mean that I am not a person? I spend so much time worrying about how everyone else is feeling, that I don't often make sure that I am actually happy, too. Most of the time I am. I am happy here. I am happy being part of this weird patchwork family. I just wish I had the balls to be a bitch when I feel like it. I wish I had the balls to tell people what I really think sometimes. This is not to say that I am not honest. I almost never lie. I hate lying, and I hate being lied to, and I think it's wrong to do so, but. But. I lie about my feelings sometimes. I pretend that I am okay when I am most assuredly not okay. I don't tell people when I am angry with them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings or be pushed out of their lives. I don't know how to communicate properly. I can't bring myself to sometimes. I'm full of this fear that I'll end up homeless and alone if I speak up when I am angry, and so I let it go, and I pretend I am fine, and then eventually I forget about it and I am fine.
This is probably not healthy, all this self-sacrificing. It is probably healthy to be a little selfish.
But I don't want to be selfish. I'm terrified that I am far more selfish than I think I am. And I just can't stand the thought that I could be, that I could be taking things away from someone around me that needs it more. I don't like being given things, or eating what I like, or any of it, because whatever it is could be used for someone who needs it more, deserves it more.
I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this. M just brought me a smoothie from Panera, and I feel both guilty and delighted as I'm drinking it.
I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, because I want things, because I might need things. Because sometimes I want some attention, or maybe I want more attention than I'm actually entitled to have.
I'm just feeling a little negative tonight.
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