The Cluster-You-Know-What

It's been forever since I posted here.  I suck like that.  Honestly, I haven't felt like dealing with it on top of everything else.

I wound up moving to Joplin, Missouri to stay with a friend.  She told me almost nothing about the true living situation in this house, so I walked in totally unprepared to discover the state of it.  The bedroom I sleep in with her daughter and her roommate's daughter always smells like cat pee because one of her cats won't stop peeing in there, and there are now 7 people living in this tiny house, which isn't much bigger than J and S's house.

The worst part was that she didn't tell me exactly what kind of bug problem she had.  She told me they only came over when people moved out of a duplex down the street, because she was ashamed of it and so she lied to me about it.  If I'd known the extent, I would never have come here.  I am basically phobic of roaches, so for the first 3 days I was here I did nothing but cry and have anxiety attacks.  My skin has been crawling for days, and I'm terrified I will find them in my hair.  I almost want to shave my head and start over, but I know a lot of the itch on my head is psychological.

So I'm moving to Emporia in two days to live with H, which was the original plan, before I changed my mind because this place was made to sound so much more stable.  Unfortunately, it's very, very not stable (more on that after I get to Emporia), and I can barely function in this house.  The only thing I want to do is not be here.  I can't even shower without being afraid I'll find one in the shower with me.  I'm only eating in the evenings because I hate going into the kitchen and I'm afraid to touch any of the food or dishes, so I'm only eating enough to get by until I can get the HELL out of here.  And oh god, one just appeared on the couch next to me.  *shudder*  If things continue the way they have been today, I may have to go to a homeless shelter or something with my stuff until then, or I put myself at risk for a huge backslide on the self-harming.  Upside, I've completely stopped biting my nails because I want no part of this house in my mouth.

H is being wonderful about this.  I have to abandon my dresser here because I don't want to accidentally bring the roaches with me, and she's offered to buy me a new plastic one to keep my clothes in, and she's going to take anything that might be hard to decontaminate to a dry cleaner to get that fixed.  I've already applied at 4 different places, or maybe 5, I forget, and hopefully someone calls me very soon.  Definitely looking forward to that.

I miss everyone at the house so much.  I even made a collage desktop background for myself, which I'm going to completely overhaul when I get to H's and have some free time after we determine if my computer is contaminated or not.  Woo.

Anyway, maybe I'll write another post later, but right now I have to go.

Sunshine

Today has been absolutely awful.

We had to get up early this morning because Girl Child had a doctor’s appointment and S wanted to get the Toddler’s infected cuticle looked at (he bites his nails and got one of his cuticles), so I got up to help out with keeping him contained.  That wasn’t all that bad, we had the usual rush and panic trying to leave because it always takes way longer to get ready and go than we expect it to, but nothing unusual.  Anyway, we got the Toddler in the car and had just gotten in and were waiting for Girl Child to get outside and get in the car when suddenly there was a golden streak running across the yard.

Sunshine escaped.

Sunshine last week.

S and I leaped out of the car as soon as we saw her while Girl Child just stood on the porch, but she ran to the next door neighbor’s front yard and sniffed around and then ran over to us, but before either S or I could catch her, she turned around and started racing to the end of the driveway and along the sidewalk.  S and I realized at the same time that she was going to run into the street (we live on a very busy street), and started screaming for her to come back and chasing her, but she just kept running.  She ran diagonally across the street, and nearly made it when she ran directly in front of a large car that was trying to brake, and she got hit twice.  It was one of the most horrific things I have ever witnessed.  S started screaming, and I screamed Sunshine’s name and started running (with S right behind me).  I didn’t even look to see if there were any cars coming, I just ran, screaming for Sunshine, who had gotten back up and run behind a house down the street.  I was terrified of what I would find, or that she’d run around and back into the street and ran the hardest I’ve ever run in my life.  It was so awful.  S was still coming (she can’t run very fast and she re-injured her foot halfway across the street trying to sprint after Sunshine), and I was trying to catch her when she came running around the house toward me.  I missed the first time and fell, and Sunshine came up to me and I tackled her and grabbed the scruff of her neck.  Just writing about it now makes my hands shake, but they weren’t shaking then.  I held onto her until S reached me and she sat down with her and held onto her as tightly as she could while I ran home to get a leash.

I discovered when I got back to the house that Girl Child did not stay with the Toddler in the car, but left him alone and went to get M out of bed to help instead, but didn’t stop to find out where she was (she was still downstairs with him when I went to get the leash and they didn’t come outside until after I was running across the street) because I was so concerned about Sunshine.  The leash I grabbed was a vet’s leash, so it was really easy to loop around her head (we don’t collar the dogs since we never take them for walks or anything), and I walked her back across the street since I already had her, with S close on my heels.  By this time, I was having a seriously hard time keeping upright because I couldn’t get any air at all.  We left Girl Child and M standing outside and took Sunshine straight inside, where S sat down on the footstool to get a look at Sunshine’s foot, because she was pretty sure it was bleeding.  Once I handed Sunshine off to her, I realized I couldn’t breathe at all and started to panic because I wasn’t getting any air.  S thought I was having a panic attack so didn’t stop to help me because she was trying to stave off a panic attack herself and didn’t realize I was having an actual asthma attack, so I was left alone in the house with the dogs while S was trying to take care of the Toddler, who was devastated about being left in the car alone, and Girl Child and M were outside, too, so once I was able to get some oxygen, I came outside.  I don’t remember much of the next sequence of events, but S had to reschedule the doctor’s appointment for a slightly later one because we were so late by that point.  I got in the car and M closed the door for me because I was so weak and shaky that I couldn’t reach it, and we went to the doctor’s office.

I had blood on my leg from Sunshine’s hurt foot - S thinks she lost a toenail, but she can’t check because Sunshine won’t let her - and I have blood on my shoelace.  I didn't discover the blood until after I tied my shoes in the car - I did all of that with untied shoes, I'm lucky I didn't get myself killed.  S is trying to convince me to just peroxide the blood off, but I just find it incredibly upsetting to know that Sunshine bled.

Anyway, things have calmed down a little bit.  Unfortunately, we just figured out that Sunshine possibly has a broken tail, so we're going to have to take her to the vet by tomorrow to get that looked at and make sure it's not anything worse.  I'm terrified that it'll turn out to be worse than we thought and we'll have to have her put down.  At the moment, she's cowering in the dining room.

Today has been a shitty, shitty day so far.