I can't talk to anyone about how I am feeling, because that would signify weakness, and I can't be weak. I have to be strong, for myself and everyone around me. I can't tell anyone that I'm the saddest person in the world. I don't even have anything to be sad about. I'm pathetic. I'm nothing. I'm useless. Every day, I get closer and closer to that moment. And then, will I be too much of a coward to actually...?
I don't want to die.
I can't be in my own head anymore. No one can hear me. No one can see me. I am not me. I don't feel like a person.
I have no reason to be in this much pain.
Showing posts with label emo post. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emo post. Show all posts
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Cluster-You-Know-What
It's been forever since I posted here. I suck like that. Honestly, I haven't felt like dealing with it on top of everything else.
I wound up moving to Joplin, Missouri to stay with a friend. She told me almost nothing about the true living situation in this house, so I walked in totally unprepared to discover the state of it. The bedroom I sleep in with her daughter and her roommate's daughter always smells like cat pee because one of her cats won't stop peeing in there, and there are now 7 people living in this tiny house, which isn't much bigger than J and S's house.
The worst part was that she didn't tell me exactly what kind of bug problem she had. She told me they only came over when people moved out of a duplex down the street, because she was ashamed of it and so she lied to me about it. If I'd known the extent, I would never have come here. I am basically phobic of roaches, so for the first 3 days I was here I did nothing but cry and have anxiety attacks. My skin has been crawling for days, and I'm terrified I will find them in my hair. I almost want to shave my head and start over, but I know a lot of the itch on my head is psychological.
So I'm moving to Emporia in two days to live with H, which was the original plan, before I changed my mind because this place was made to sound so much more stable. Unfortunately, it's very, very not stable (more on that after I get to Emporia), and I can barely function in this house. The only thing I want to do is not be here. I can't even shower without being afraid I'll find one in the shower with me. I'm only eating in the evenings because I hate going into the kitchen and I'm afraid to touch any of the food or dishes, so I'm only eating enough to get by until I can get the HELL out of here. And oh god, one just appeared on the couch next to me. *shudder* If things continue the way they have been today, I may have to go to a homeless shelter or something with my stuff until then, or I put myself at risk for a huge backslide on the self-harming. Upside, I've completely stopped biting my nails because I want no part of this house in my mouth.
H is being wonderful about this. I have to abandon my dresser here because I don't want to accidentally bring the roaches with me, and she's offered to buy me a new plastic one to keep my clothes in, and she's going to take anything that might be hard to decontaminate to a dry cleaner to get that fixed. I've already applied at 4 different places, or maybe 5, I forget, and hopefully someone calls me very soon. Definitely looking forward to that.
I miss everyone at the house so much. I even made a collage desktop background for myself, which I'm going to completely overhaul when I get to H's and have some free time after we determine if my computer is contaminated or not. Woo.
Anyway, maybe I'll write another post later, but right now I have to go.
I wound up moving to Joplin, Missouri to stay with a friend. She told me almost nothing about the true living situation in this house, so I walked in totally unprepared to discover the state of it. The bedroom I sleep in with her daughter and her roommate's daughter always smells like cat pee because one of her cats won't stop peeing in there, and there are now 7 people living in this tiny house, which isn't much bigger than J and S's house.
The worst part was that she didn't tell me exactly what kind of bug problem she had. She told me they only came over when people moved out of a duplex down the street, because she was ashamed of it and so she lied to me about it. If I'd known the extent, I would never have come here. I am basically phobic of roaches, so for the first 3 days I was here I did nothing but cry and have anxiety attacks. My skin has been crawling for days, and I'm terrified I will find them in my hair. I almost want to shave my head and start over, but I know a lot of the itch on my head is psychological.
So I'm moving to Emporia in two days to live with H, which was the original plan, before I changed my mind because this place was made to sound so much more stable. Unfortunately, it's very, very not stable (more on that after I get to Emporia), and I can barely function in this house. The only thing I want to do is not be here. I can't even shower without being afraid I'll find one in the shower with me. I'm only eating in the evenings because I hate going into the kitchen and I'm afraid to touch any of the food or dishes, so I'm only eating enough to get by until I can get the HELL out of here. And oh god, one just appeared on the couch next to me. *shudder* If things continue the way they have been today, I may have to go to a homeless shelter or something with my stuff until then, or I put myself at risk for a huge backslide on the self-harming. Upside, I've completely stopped biting my nails because I want no part of this house in my mouth.
H is being wonderful about this. I have to abandon my dresser here because I don't want to accidentally bring the roaches with me, and she's offered to buy me a new plastic one to keep my clothes in, and she's going to take anything that might be hard to decontaminate to a dry cleaner to get that fixed. I've already applied at 4 different places, or maybe 5, I forget, and hopefully someone calls me very soon. Definitely looking forward to that.
I miss everyone at the house so much. I even made a collage desktop background for myself, which I'm going to completely overhaul when I get to H's and have some free time after we determine if my computer is contaminated or not. Woo.
Anyway, maybe I'll write another post later, but right now I have to go.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Brief Explanation
Depression is a funny thing. It can lurk in the shadows, unnoticed, for months, occasionally springing out to throw you into a despair so deep that you suddenly lose all ability to function. It can just drop you into a pit of apathy. ...Or maybe it makes you stop caring about that blog you were so excited about starting, or ever actually baking those cookies, or doing anything more than grumpily sitting in a corner.
Depression is weird. I don't feel depressed... most of the time. In fact, most of the time I feel pretty okay. Maybe it's how lonely I am, because I feel like I have an impenetrable invisible wall surrounding me, and I feel overwhelmingly alone even when I'm surrounded by people. Sometimes. Other times, all I want is to be alone for awhile.
What I'd really like to know is why I only feel this way sometimes. Today is just particularly bad, but I have days where I'm fine (or at least apathetic, which I guess I better than feeling mildly suicidal), so I'm really confused. I always thought of depression as something that never changed, that you sunk into and didn't come out of, or bob to the top occasionally to get a look around before sinking again. It's very frustrating. I'll feel better one day, and then a couple days later, I don't want to do anything except sit here. I can't do anything.
So... basically this is my explanation for why I haven't been posting. Because I just don't give a shit about anything right now, and I can't find the energy to write and be entertaining. Besides, it's not like I ever write about anything remotely interesting.
Anyway, if SOPA is passed tonight, there won't be a point in maintaining a blog anyway.
Depression is weird. I don't feel depressed... most of the time. In fact, most of the time I feel pretty okay. Maybe it's how lonely I am, because I feel like I have an impenetrable invisible wall surrounding me, and I feel overwhelmingly alone even when I'm surrounded by people. Sometimes. Other times, all I want is to be alone for awhile.
What I'd really like to know is why I only feel this way sometimes. Today is just particularly bad, but I have days where I'm fine (or at least apathetic, which I guess I better than feeling mildly suicidal), so I'm really confused. I always thought of depression as something that never changed, that you sunk into and didn't come out of, or bob to the top occasionally to get a look around before sinking again. It's very frustrating. I'll feel better one day, and then a couple days later, I don't want to do anything except sit here. I can't do anything.
So... basically this is my explanation for why I haven't been posting. Because I just don't give a shit about anything right now, and I can't find the energy to write and be entertaining. Besides, it's not like I ever write about anything remotely interesting.
Anyway, if SOPA is passed tonight, there won't be a point in maintaining a blog anyway.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Telemarketer Torture and Sad Memories
Today has been kind of weird. I spent a good portion of the day talking to C, who I haven't really had the opportunity to talk to at great length in years due to circumstances, about recent and ancient history. There aren't a whole lot of people that I talk to now who knew me well when I was a teenager, so it's a bit of a different experience. I can't say E, LK, or JHB fit into that category - JHB never talks about much other than his interests, and I wasn't as close to him at the beginning of high school as I was to C.
Anyway, talking to someone who knew me so well during that time period is a little weird in some ways, but it's also pretty awesome. Anyway, that was the primary activity of the day, talking about all manner of subjects. We basically picked up the friendship where it got left off in 2005, except with higher maturity levels. It's different to talk to him now. I can't explain why, as I'm in a weird state of mind and I'm having a hard time stringing a sentence together.
S tortured a telemarketer for 20 minutes today. He wouldn't let her hang up, so it's his own fault. He was really desperate for her to pay for a vacation to Branson. Eventually the Toddler got bored, and this resulted in a lot of noise between me trying to contain him and him screaming, and it became a hilarious phone conversation with a really weird telemarketer who wouldn't let her hang up. She kept telling him she didn't have money for that, and he'd suggest J was hiding money or that maybe I was hiding money, and suggested she tell the Toddler to go play in the sandbox and told her how he teases his kids with telling them to play in traffic. Seriously crazy telemarketer. Actually, at one point, I shouted at her that the kitchen was on fire in an attempt to get him to let her hang up.
The Toddler nearly broke the TV screen today because he decided to start smacking it. Fun.
J woke up really early today, when I was laying the Toddler down for a nap, so once the Toddler got up, I was really excited, thinking I'd finally have the opportunity to fold the laundry in peace, but I only managed the kids' laundry before J came in to say he needed to take a nap, so I still have about five loads of laundry to fold. Crap.
Today's been boring. As usual. I think I may watch Firefly again tonight while folding laundry so I can get it put the hell away. Speaking of putting laundry away, I'm really annoyed with Girl Child, who won't let me put her laundry away and won't do it herself. I had that dresser completely neat and she dumped everything out of it all over everywhere in her room. And she's hogging a good basket because she won't put away the clothes I just folded for her. Ridiculous.
I really need to get enough sleep consistently every night. I'm always so tired. And I'm having memory problems, which may or may not be related to lack of sleep. I completely forgot what happened this morning.
My ex-fiance sent my stuff back to me from England, and it arrived this morning. Two mugs I'd forgotten about (he forgot the fridge magnets, though, which upsets me a little, but I'll live), some clothes, a crocheting project I started in 2007 and never finished, a bathing suit that's way too small for me, a purse I'd forgotten about leaving there, and the bucket we collected seashells and sea glass in when we went to Scarborough. This was the only thing that made me cry. It was broken when it arrived, too, so it had to be thrown away. The Toddler kept trying to steal it from me. I hadn't expected it to be so painful, getting all that stuff back.
Anyway. There's really not much to say after that. It's really too bad this is such a depressing note to leave this on, but there isn't much more to say. I feel like crap. Today was just totally lame. There were good parts, but my current state of mind says that today was a really dumb day. I think I just need to sleep. I'm just exhausted and kind of crabby. Hopefully I'll have something interesting to write about in a day or two when I stop feeling like this.
Anyway, talking to someone who knew me so well during that time period is a little weird in some ways, but it's also pretty awesome. Anyway, that was the primary activity of the day, talking about all manner of subjects. We basically picked up the friendship where it got left off in 2005, except with higher maturity levels. It's different to talk to him now. I can't explain why, as I'm in a weird state of mind and I'm having a hard time stringing a sentence together.
S tortured a telemarketer for 20 minutes today. He wouldn't let her hang up, so it's his own fault. He was really desperate for her to pay for a vacation to Branson. Eventually the Toddler got bored, and this resulted in a lot of noise between me trying to contain him and him screaming, and it became a hilarious phone conversation with a really weird telemarketer who wouldn't let her hang up. She kept telling him she didn't have money for that, and he'd suggest J was hiding money or that maybe I was hiding money, and suggested she tell the Toddler to go play in the sandbox and told her how he teases his kids with telling them to play in traffic. Seriously crazy telemarketer. Actually, at one point, I shouted at her that the kitchen was on fire in an attempt to get him to let her hang up.
The Toddler nearly broke the TV screen today because he decided to start smacking it. Fun.
J woke up really early today, when I was laying the Toddler down for a nap, so once the Toddler got up, I was really excited, thinking I'd finally have the opportunity to fold the laundry in peace, but I only managed the kids' laundry before J came in to say he needed to take a nap, so I still have about five loads of laundry to fold. Crap.
Today's been boring. As usual. I think I may watch Firefly again tonight while folding laundry so I can get it put the hell away. Speaking of putting laundry away, I'm really annoyed with Girl Child, who won't let me put her laundry away and won't do it herself. I had that dresser completely neat and she dumped everything out of it all over everywhere in her room. And she's hogging a good basket because she won't put away the clothes I just folded for her. Ridiculous.
I really need to get enough sleep consistently every night. I'm always so tired. And I'm having memory problems, which may or may not be related to lack of sleep. I completely forgot what happened this morning.
My ex-fiance sent my stuff back to me from England, and it arrived this morning. Two mugs I'd forgotten about (he forgot the fridge magnets, though, which upsets me a little, but I'll live), some clothes, a crocheting project I started in 2007 and never finished, a bathing suit that's way too small for me, a purse I'd forgotten about leaving there, and the bucket we collected seashells and sea glass in when we went to Scarborough. This was the only thing that made me cry. It was broken when it arrived, too, so it had to be thrown away. The Toddler kept trying to steal it from me. I hadn't expected it to be so painful, getting all that stuff back.
Anyway. There's really not much to say after that. It's really too bad this is such a depressing note to leave this on, but there isn't much more to say. I feel like crap. Today was just totally lame. There were good parts, but my current state of mind says that today was a really dumb day. I think I just need to sleep. I'm just exhausted and kind of crabby. Hopefully I'll have something interesting to write about in a day or two when I stop feeling like this.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A Tornado Outbreak Makes For a Crazy Week
This has been one hell of a week.
Last Sunday evening, an F5 tornado hit the city of Joplin, Missouri. This is the town that one of my friends, CG, lives in with her husband and daughter, and several of my friends have friends and family there. There are 139 confirmed dead already, and they haven’t even found everyone yet. Joplin isn’t exactly a small town, its population numbers somewhere around 50,000, and there’s a six-block section of the city, cut from west to east, that is just flattened. CG was barely missed, she lives two blocks north of where the really bad damage starts, and they came out of it with just some trees that needed to be removed, not even any broken windows. I know she’s lost at least three coworkers and some friends, I’m not too sure how many because it’s not like she’s got a counter up on her Facebook profile, and she’s been pretty quiet about it. I feel really terrible for her, I can’t imagine what that’s like, to lose so many people at once, to see your entire hometown ripped to shreds - I’ve been in a few close calls and one small tornado, which I think was an F2, when I was a toddler, but I’ve never witnessed firsthand that kind of destruction on that scale, or known I’d lost everything, that almost everyone I know has as well. Today is CG’s daughter’s second birthday. I was invited to the birthday party, but there’s no way I could get down there now, and I don’t think she could have made it all the way up here to pick me up, now that all this has happened.
I don’t really remember what happened on Monday. I think there was probably some stuff that happened, but damned if I can remember what occurred. It obviously wasn’t important. Apparently Monday was a void.
We bought a weather radio on Tuesday (the 24th), and got it all set up in time for us to have some lovely severe thunderstorms come in while I was babysitting the kids. I kept The Weather Channel on the whole night and watched as tornado after tornado hit Texas and Oklahoma and Arkansas, and another one just scraped by Joplin. The weather radio freaked out regularly about every 10 minutes or so because S didn’t get it programmed for our county until the next morning.
On Wednesday, there was an F0 tornado that went straight through the middle of Overland Park. It was actually a very large, wedge-shaped tornado, but it just didn’t have any oomph behind it, which was why there was almost no damage (some light tree damage was the extent, I believe), because it was large and slow-moving... We got so lucky. If it had had more power behind it, it would have completely destroyed Overland Park, more than likely. It passed by less than two miles from home, and S and I had to get J out of bed and downstairs and woke M up in the process and spent a good twenty minutes in the basement, and then stayed upstairs for the second set of sirens because it wasn’t going to pass remotely close to the house, or at least not close enough to worry about. (S could seriously be a meteorologist.)
Thursday was Girl Child’s last day of school. She did fantastically, as always, though her hair was... special. She and S teased it up that morning and made it crazy and … well, crazy, because she wanted to make a statement for the last day of school.
J brought AB home with him from work Thursday night, so she was there Friday when we all woke up. She’s a nice enough girl, but after awhile she’s a bit grating. Probably because she’s consistently a teenager in her behavior. She actually ended up irritating the crap out of me just by being there all day. I can see why S gets so sick of me sometimes. Anyway, we ended up taking her with us on our errands, most of which involved them staying in the car while I took the Toddler in with me wherever I was going because he cried when I left him in the car. I got the yarn I needed to finish my afghan, and pillow inserts for the matching pillows I’m making, and made a stop at Micro Center, and Wal-Mart - we were out of the house for about five hours and did not stop all day. Friday was exhausting.
Friday night, we started to start a new game of D&D, but it was taking forever for character creation because J was too busy playing Minecraft to remember that he was supposed to be explaining all this to AB, so S and I ended up going to bed once we got too tired to stay up any longer. I’m pretty sure AB isn’t smart enough to play D&D anyway, she can’t even spell charisma. I have generally found that most people who play D&D and are good at it are ridiculously smart. I hope I become a good player, though I have no illusions about my intelligence. I am not as smart as I was when I was in high school. I mean, I could still out-think most of the people I had the misfortune of attending high school with, but a potato could out-think some of those people. Anyway, W, S, and J are all ridiculously smart, and they are all good at D&D. I’m not sure AB will even be able to figure out what J is talking about half the time, unless he dumbs his explanation down a lot.
Yesterday was okay, W and A showed up on time, but then W went back to their apartment for an hour to look for A’s dice, so we still didn’t start until after 10:00, but we got the story advanced a little bit, at least. I’m finally starting to consistently remember how to do everything and am needing less and less help knowing what kind of die I need for a roll (though I have enough dice at this point that it is difficult to find the right kind just by them being camouflaged by all the other ones), and I’m getting pretty good at levelling my character up without any help. I imagine other stuff besides game-related stuff happened, but once again, the rest of the day is a blank.
Today hasn’t been very eventful. I was woken up by S asking me where the hell I put the Wheat Thins, but they were under J’s window for unknown reasons, which I knew but had no part in causing. Anyway, nothing important has happened today. I made cornbread so J could have lunch at work, I acquired some new music that I’m sorting through, and I baby-sat the Toddler for awhile this evening for about an hour and a half. He cried the entire time until I stripped him naked and let him lay on me and eat peaches. Toddlers are so freaking strange. The morning of the Overland Park tornado, he rubbed an entire handful of cottage cheese into his eye.
I’ve been incredibly cranky for most of the day, though apparently you wouldn’t know it. I am short on patience and I just want to bite off the head of whoever is foolhardy enough to bother me. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Probably a combination of not having any coffee this morning and we ran out of cigarettes this morning and because J has an e-cig, they’ve decided to stop buying them altogether, which leaves me quitting cold turkey and I am very unhappy about this because I don’t currently want to quit at all. I know it’s not really my choice - it’s not my money, if they don’t want to buy them, I can’t change that. Anyway, I’m irrationally and disproportionately angry about the whole thing in addition to feeling rubbed completely raw by being completely without cigarettes for almost the whole day. I’m actually really glad Girl Child is staying over at a friend’s house tonight, so I won’t randomly start yelling at her for absolutely no reason. That would suck, and she wouldn’t deserve it. At least I recognize this, which is why I've put in the earbuds and am not talking to anyone, because anytime I talk to anybody, I don't sound very nice.
I think another part of my problem is that I abstractly stopped writing this week, and I probably shouldn’t have. I don’t really have another outlet to just get some of this stuff out of my head, I don’t talk to anyone, ever, so it just gets internalized if I don’t write about it. Fun.
Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, we’ll see what happens then. Probably nothing. Tonight, my plans are to finish off this bag I’m making to keep my scrap yarn in and then move on to working on the squares for the afghan as soon as possible. I’m going to see if I can watch Orphan while crocheting, but I’ve never seen it, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I don’t generally do horror very well.
Last Sunday evening, an F5 tornado hit the city of Joplin, Missouri. This is the town that one of my friends, CG, lives in with her husband and daughter, and several of my friends have friends and family there. There are 139 confirmed dead already, and they haven’t even found everyone yet. Joplin isn’t exactly a small town, its population numbers somewhere around 50,000, and there’s a six-block section of the city, cut from west to east, that is just flattened. CG was barely missed, she lives two blocks north of where the really bad damage starts, and they came out of it with just some trees that needed to be removed, not even any broken windows. I know she’s lost at least three coworkers and some friends, I’m not too sure how many because it’s not like she’s got a counter up on her Facebook profile, and she’s been pretty quiet about it. I feel really terrible for her, I can’t imagine what that’s like, to lose so many people at once, to see your entire hometown ripped to shreds - I’ve been in a few close calls and one small tornado, which I think was an F2, when I was a toddler, but I’ve never witnessed firsthand that kind of destruction on that scale, or known I’d lost everything, that almost everyone I know has as well. Today is CG’s daughter’s second birthday. I was invited to the birthday party, but there’s no way I could get down there now, and I don’t think she could have made it all the way up here to pick me up, now that all this has happened.
I don’t really remember what happened on Monday. I think there was probably some stuff that happened, but damned if I can remember what occurred. It obviously wasn’t important. Apparently Monday was a void.
We bought a weather radio on Tuesday (the 24th), and got it all set up in time for us to have some lovely severe thunderstorms come in while I was babysitting the kids. I kept The Weather Channel on the whole night and watched as tornado after tornado hit Texas and Oklahoma and Arkansas, and another one just scraped by Joplin. The weather radio freaked out regularly about every 10 minutes or so because S didn’t get it programmed for our county until the next morning.
On Wednesday, there was an F0 tornado that went straight through the middle of Overland Park. It was actually a very large, wedge-shaped tornado, but it just didn’t have any oomph behind it, which was why there was almost no damage (some light tree damage was the extent, I believe), because it was large and slow-moving... We got so lucky. If it had had more power behind it, it would have completely destroyed Overland Park, more than likely. It passed by less than two miles from home, and S and I had to get J out of bed and downstairs and woke M up in the process and spent a good twenty minutes in the basement, and then stayed upstairs for the second set of sirens because it wasn’t going to pass remotely close to the house, or at least not close enough to worry about. (S could seriously be a meteorologist.)
Thursday was Girl Child’s last day of school. She did fantastically, as always, though her hair was... special. She and S teased it up that morning and made it crazy and … well, crazy, because she wanted to make a statement for the last day of school.
J brought AB home with him from work Thursday night, so she was there Friday when we all woke up. She’s a nice enough girl, but after awhile she’s a bit grating. Probably because she’s consistently a teenager in her behavior. She actually ended up irritating the crap out of me just by being there all day. I can see why S gets so sick of me sometimes. Anyway, we ended up taking her with us on our errands, most of which involved them staying in the car while I took the Toddler in with me wherever I was going because he cried when I left him in the car. I got the yarn I needed to finish my afghan, and pillow inserts for the matching pillows I’m making, and made a stop at Micro Center, and Wal-Mart - we were out of the house for about five hours and did not stop all day. Friday was exhausting.
Friday night, we started to start a new game of D&D, but it was taking forever for character creation because J was too busy playing Minecraft to remember that he was supposed to be explaining all this to AB, so S and I ended up going to bed once we got too tired to stay up any longer. I’m pretty sure AB isn’t smart enough to play D&D anyway, she can’t even spell charisma. I have generally found that most people who play D&D and are good at it are ridiculously smart. I hope I become a good player, though I have no illusions about my intelligence. I am not as smart as I was when I was in high school. I mean, I could still out-think most of the people I had the misfortune of attending high school with, but a potato could out-think some of those people. Anyway, W, S, and J are all ridiculously smart, and they are all good at D&D. I’m not sure AB will even be able to figure out what J is talking about half the time, unless he dumbs his explanation down a lot.
Yesterday was okay, W and A showed up on time, but then W went back to their apartment for an hour to look for A’s dice, so we still didn’t start until after 10:00, but we got the story advanced a little bit, at least. I’m finally starting to consistently remember how to do everything and am needing less and less help knowing what kind of die I need for a roll (though I have enough dice at this point that it is difficult to find the right kind just by them being camouflaged by all the other ones), and I’m getting pretty good at levelling my character up without any help. I imagine other stuff besides game-related stuff happened, but once again, the rest of the day is a blank.
Today hasn’t been very eventful. I was woken up by S asking me where the hell I put the Wheat Thins, but they were under J’s window for unknown reasons, which I knew but had no part in causing. Anyway, nothing important has happened today. I made cornbread so J could have lunch at work, I acquired some new music that I’m sorting through, and I baby-sat the Toddler for awhile this evening for about an hour and a half. He cried the entire time until I stripped him naked and let him lay on me and eat peaches. Toddlers are so freaking strange. The morning of the Overland Park tornado, he rubbed an entire handful of cottage cheese into his eye.
I’ve been incredibly cranky for most of the day, though apparently you wouldn’t know it. I am short on patience and I just want to bite off the head of whoever is foolhardy enough to bother me. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Probably a combination of not having any coffee this morning and we ran out of cigarettes this morning and because J has an e-cig, they’ve decided to stop buying them altogether, which leaves me quitting cold turkey and I am very unhappy about this because I don’t currently want to quit at all. I know it’s not really my choice - it’s not my money, if they don’t want to buy them, I can’t change that. Anyway, I’m irrationally and disproportionately angry about the whole thing in addition to feeling rubbed completely raw by being completely without cigarettes for almost the whole day. I’m actually really glad Girl Child is staying over at a friend’s house tonight, so I won’t randomly start yelling at her for absolutely no reason. That would suck, and she wouldn’t deserve it. At least I recognize this, which is why I've put in the earbuds and am not talking to anyone, because anytime I talk to anybody, I don't sound very nice.
I think another part of my problem is that I abstractly stopped writing this week, and I probably shouldn’t have. I don’t really have another outlet to just get some of this stuff out of my head, I don’t talk to anyone, ever, so it just gets internalized if I don’t write about it. Fun.
Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, we’ll see what happens then. Probably nothing. Tonight, my plans are to finish off this bag I’m making to keep my scrap yarn in and then move on to working on the squares for the afghan as soon as possible. I’m going to see if I can watch Orphan while crocheting, but I’ve never seen it, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I don’t generally do horror very well.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Negativity
I try to be the best person I can be. I do my best to respect boundaries, be tactful, kind, and helpful to those I live with. I try to avoid accidental rudeness to people I don't know well and to people in public. I do my best not to talk so much, because I know I'm a talker, and I can be really, really annoying. I try to be the best friend possible, and avoid stepping on toes if I know there are places I can end up doing so.
I really want to make that clear. I try to respect the privacy of my friends (which is why, despite what I say about the personal lives of those I live with and am close to, there are no names mentioned, and I'm rather vague about certain subjects), I try to make sure everyone around me is comfortable.
I just don't know if that makes me a shadow. Does that mean that I am not a person? I spend so much time worrying about how everyone else is feeling, that I don't often make sure that I am actually happy, too. Most of the time I am. I am happy here. I am happy being part of this weird patchwork family. I just wish I had the balls to be a bitch when I feel like it. I wish I had the balls to tell people what I really think sometimes. This is not to say that I am not honest. I almost never lie. I hate lying, and I hate being lied to, and I think it's wrong to do so, but. But. I lie about my feelings sometimes. I pretend that I am okay when I am most assuredly not okay. I don't tell people when I am angry with them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings or be pushed out of their lives. I don't know how to communicate properly. I can't bring myself to sometimes. I'm full of this fear that I'll end up homeless and alone if I speak up when I am angry, and so I let it go, and I pretend I am fine, and then eventually I forget about it and I am fine.
This is probably not healthy, all this self-sacrificing. It is probably healthy to be a little selfish.
But I don't want to be selfish. I'm terrified that I am far more selfish than I think I am. And I just can't stand the thought that I could be, that I could be taking things away from someone around me that needs it more. I don't like being given things, or eating what I like, or any of it, because whatever it is could be used for someone who needs it more, deserves it more.
I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this. M just brought me a smoothie from Panera, and I feel both guilty and delighted as I'm drinking it.
I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, because I want things, because I might need things. Because sometimes I want some attention, or maybe I want more attention than I'm actually entitled to have.
I'm just feeling a little negative tonight.
I really want to make that clear. I try to respect the privacy of my friends (which is why, despite what I say about the personal lives of those I live with and am close to, there are no names mentioned, and I'm rather vague about certain subjects), I try to make sure everyone around me is comfortable.
I just don't know if that makes me a shadow. Does that mean that I am not a person? I spend so much time worrying about how everyone else is feeling, that I don't often make sure that I am actually happy, too. Most of the time I am. I am happy here. I am happy being part of this weird patchwork family. I just wish I had the balls to be a bitch when I feel like it. I wish I had the balls to tell people what I really think sometimes. This is not to say that I am not honest. I almost never lie. I hate lying, and I hate being lied to, and I think it's wrong to do so, but. But. I lie about my feelings sometimes. I pretend that I am okay when I am most assuredly not okay. I don't tell people when I am angry with them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings or be pushed out of their lives. I don't know how to communicate properly. I can't bring myself to sometimes. I'm full of this fear that I'll end up homeless and alone if I speak up when I am angry, and so I let it go, and I pretend I am fine, and then eventually I forget about it and I am fine.
This is probably not healthy, all this self-sacrificing. It is probably healthy to be a little selfish.
But I don't want to be selfish. I'm terrified that I am far more selfish than I think I am. And I just can't stand the thought that I could be, that I could be taking things away from someone around me that needs it more. I don't like being given things, or eating what I like, or any of it, because whatever it is could be used for someone who needs it more, deserves it more.
I'm not sure where I'm trying to go with this. M just brought me a smoothie from Panera, and I feel both guilty and delighted as I'm drinking it.
I feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, because I want things, because I might need things. Because sometimes I want some attention, or maybe I want more attention than I'm actually entitled to have.
I'm just feeling a little negative tonight.
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