It's been forever since I posted here. I suck like that. Honestly, I haven't felt like dealing with it on top of everything else.
I wound up moving to Joplin, Missouri to stay with a friend. She told me almost nothing about the true living situation in this house, so I walked in totally unprepared to discover the state of it. The bedroom I sleep in with her daughter and her roommate's daughter always smells like cat pee because one of her cats won't stop peeing in there, and there are now 7 people living in this tiny house, which isn't much bigger than J and S's house.
The worst part was that she didn't tell me exactly what kind of bug problem she had. She told me they only came over when people moved out of a duplex down the street, because she was ashamed of it and so she lied to me about it. If I'd known the extent, I would never have come here. I am basically phobic of roaches, so for the first 3 days I was here I did nothing but cry and have anxiety attacks. My skin has been crawling for days, and I'm terrified I will find them in my hair. I almost want to shave my head and start over, but I know a lot of the itch on my head is psychological.
So I'm moving to Emporia in two days to live with H, which was the original plan, before I changed my mind because this place was made to sound so much more stable. Unfortunately, it's very, very not stable (more on that after I get to Emporia), and I can barely function in this house. The only thing I want to do is not be here. I can't even shower without being afraid I'll find one in the shower with me. I'm only eating in the evenings because I hate going into the kitchen and I'm afraid to touch any of the food or dishes, so I'm only eating enough to get by until I can get the HELL out of here. And oh god, one just appeared on the couch next to me. *shudder* If things continue the way they have been today, I may have to go to a homeless shelter or something with my stuff until then, or I put myself at risk for a huge backslide on the self-harming. Upside, I've completely stopped biting my nails because I want no part of this house in my mouth.
H is being wonderful about this. I have to abandon my dresser here because I don't want to accidentally bring the roaches with me, and she's offered to buy me a new plastic one to keep my clothes in, and she's going to take anything that might be hard to decontaminate to a dry cleaner to get that fixed. I've already applied at 4 different places, or maybe 5, I forget, and hopefully someone calls me very soon. Definitely looking forward to that.
I miss everyone at the house so much. I even made a collage desktop background for myself, which I'm going to completely overhaul when I get to H's and have some free time after we determine if my computer is contaminated or not. Woo.
Anyway, maybe I'll write another post later, but right now I have to go.
Showing posts with label crabby crabby crabby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crabby crabby crabby. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I Am Bitchy Tonight
Well, I finally got to the point where I'm about to start mentioning even more new people, and I had to create a spreadsheet (Okay, a table in OpenOffice!) to keep everyone straight, since I don't use identifying information on this blog.
Today was kind of a busy day. I'm really starting to not like RP very much - I liked her okay when I first started working at CAR (pseudonym!), but I'm seeing more and more that she's not a very nice person. She sucks up to Boss a lot, and is his pipeline of information on what happens when he isn't there. I don't like this very much (I can see why my coworkers at the fast food restaurant didn't like me very much), especially because she stole 3 different people out from under me today because she was being a competitive bitch. CRN gave one of the surveys back to me, since I was the one who originally talked to them, and they decided to come back while I was bringing in someone else and talked to RP, who wrote her name on the screening sheet when she knew full well that it should have been mine. So CRN gave it to me. Woo.
Anyway, my other problems with her are that she's only 20 years old and has a baby that she isn't a very good mother to - she told me a story about how her son is so bad that when he was 9 months old, he said "bitch" and got spanked for it. NINE MONTHS OLD. What is this person doing with a baby, and why don't I have one? I'd be a better mother than her. And it's not like he said bitch, anyway. He made a sound that sounded like it, while babbling, which is a thing that infants DO. Christ on a stick, people.
One redeeming quality of RP is that she's stupid, so she agrees with everything I say, even bullshit. Also, she thinks I'm a great singer, so it's nice to have the ego stroked a little bit, even if I know it's because she's an idiot with no life experience.
Anyway. I'm starting to look for a better job, because I kind of hate this one sometimes, especially since Boss drinks on the job. Actually, if he hadn't offered me the job on the spot, I'd have probably gotten a job with Old Navy, because they called for an interview on my first day at CAR. Figures.
I think that's enough bitching about work. Of course, I don't really have much to write about. I had an idea for a story earlier, it just popped into my head, and I wrote down the one line that was in there, but I'm letting the rest float in my head for a bit before I put it down, because if it's actually good, it should stick. (At least according to Stephen King.) Maybe there's still a chance of me getting to write that novel I've wanted to write since I was a kid. I would love that.
Anyway, I need to go and do stuff before I go to bed. I have the house to myself tonight because J and S went to visit a friend of S's and they took the children. Also, M is at work, so it's just me and the puppies. Who are passed out on the floor. I don't know how they are able to do that, since I've been really loud. (I really love singing.)
Why is Coheed and Cambria so awesome?
Today was kind of a busy day. I'm really starting to not like RP very much - I liked her okay when I first started working at CAR (pseudonym!), but I'm seeing more and more that she's not a very nice person. She sucks up to Boss a lot, and is his pipeline of information on what happens when he isn't there. I don't like this very much (I can see why my coworkers at the fast food restaurant didn't like me very much), especially because she stole 3 different people out from under me today because she was being a competitive bitch. CRN gave one of the surveys back to me, since I was the one who originally talked to them, and they decided to come back while I was bringing in someone else and talked to RP, who wrote her name on the screening sheet when she knew full well that it should have been mine. So CRN gave it to me. Woo.
Anyway, my other problems with her are that she's only 20 years old and has a baby that she isn't a very good mother to - she told me a story about how her son is so bad that when he was 9 months old, he said "bitch" and got spanked for it. NINE MONTHS OLD. What is this person doing with a baby, and why don't I have one? I'd be a better mother than her. And it's not like he said bitch, anyway. He made a sound that sounded like it, while babbling, which is a thing that infants DO. Christ on a stick, people.
One redeeming quality of RP is that she's stupid, so she agrees with everything I say, even bullshit. Also, she thinks I'm a great singer, so it's nice to have the ego stroked a little bit, even if I know it's because she's an idiot with no life experience.
Anyway. I'm starting to look for a better job, because I kind of hate this one sometimes, especially since Boss drinks on the job. Actually, if he hadn't offered me the job on the spot, I'd have probably gotten a job with Old Navy, because they called for an interview on my first day at CAR. Figures.
I think that's enough bitching about work. Of course, I don't really have much to write about. I had an idea for a story earlier, it just popped into my head, and I wrote down the one line that was in there, but I'm letting the rest float in my head for a bit before I put it down, because if it's actually good, it should stick. (At least according to Stephen King.) Maybe there's still a chance of me getting to write that novel I've wanted to write since I was a kid. I would love that.
Anyway, I need to go and do stuff before I go to bed. I have the house to myself tonight because J and S went to visit a friend of S's and they took the children. Also, M is at work, so it's just me and the puppies. Who are passed out on the floor. I don't know how they are able to do that, since I've been really loud. (I really love singing.)
Why is Coheed and Cambria so awesome?
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Fat Chicks Only Wear Muu-muus in Fashion Land
Today, I found a link to a blog about finding fashionable, pretty clothing for the fuller-figured girl with very large breasts, and some of the things she wrote really struck a chord with me, so it's essay time.
I wear a size 20. Sometimes I'm an 18, or a 22, or a 24, depending on where I'm shopping, but for the most part, I am a size 20. However, if I follow the sizing chart at Lane Bryant (which is where I bought the only pair of jeans I have that fit), I wear a size 26. Funnily enough, it even has the measurements that would be accurate to my size listed as what a size 26 dress would be, but if I tried on a size 26, I would be swimming in it. Except for my boobs, probably.
Most dresses I've tried on have only fit at the chest, because I have to size up for my breasts. I am already not a thin woman. I struggle to find clothing that actually flatters my body and makes me feel good without being painful to wear or uncomfortable. It is incredibly frustrating to have to buy tents for my body because they do not make dresses for my shape. Large breasts aren't even close to being accomodated by the fashion industry, at least not if they are paired with proportionately large waists. I am never going to have a 30 inch waist again, especially not with my chest, which ranges from a 42G to a 36HH, depending on the cut and style of the bra, and the individual manufacturer. I am not going to be a size 10 ever again. I think I'll be lucky if I manage a size 12 or 14, which is my goal for when I eventually lose weight.
Even though I want to lose weight, I am still a size 20 right now, with very large boobs. I believe I deserve to feel pretty, I deserve to look nice when I want to look nice, and I am sick and tired to death of wearing nothing but enormous t-shirts because none of my clothes fit and I can't find anything in the womens' department that does. Pepperberry, Bravissimo's clothing line, doesn't even go up to my waist size. In fact, the largest size they carry is a full 10 inches smaller than my waist.
This is incredibly frustrating for me. I feel like I am being told that I do not deserve to look or feel beautiful because I am a larger girl. I am told this everywhere I go. The last guy I went on a date with basically told me that while I was good for a quick fuck, I was not good enough to be a girlfriend because I am too fat. I am tired of this. I am tired of being laughed at, I am tired of being used, and I am tired of my size and weight being a "problem". It is not a problem, or at least it is not my problem. My only real problem with my body is that I can't find anything to fit it and that my weight is causing me some health problems. This is the primary reason I want to lose weight. Not so I can feel beautiful again, not so I can get honked at while walking down the street, but so I can run again, so my tendons stop hurting, so the weight of my chest doesn't cut off my ability to breathe. I didn't even start having health problems related to my weight until I got larger than a size 16.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and think I am beautiful without worry about whether I am "too fat". I want people to stop telling me there's something wrong with me. I want people to stop telling me that I should get a breast reduction. I want the opportunity to learn to love my body, my whole body. I deserve that. Every woman deserves to love herself for what she is and not what everyone thinks she should be.
(Next post will have a link round up and maybe a little bit of stuff about life, since I haven't posted anything in over a week.)
I wear a size 20. Sometimes I'm an 18, or a 22, or a 24, depending on where I'm shopping, but for the most part, I am a size 20. However, if I follow the sizing chart at Lane Bryant (which is where I bought the only pair of jeans I have that fit), I wear a size 26. Funnily enough, it even has the measurements that would be accurate to my size listed as what a size 26 dress would be, but if I tried on a size 26, I would be swimming in it. Except for my boobs, probably.
Most dresses I've tried on have only fit at the chest, because I have to size up for my breasts. I am already not a thin woman. I struggle to find clothing that actually flatters my body and makes me feel good without being painful to wear or uncomfortable. It is incredibly frustrating to have to buy tents for my body because they do not make dresses for my shape. Large breasts aren't even close to being accomodated by the fashion industry, at least not if they are paired with proportionately large waists. I am never going to have a 30 inch waist again, especially not with my chest, which ranges from a 42G to a 36HH, depending on the cut and style of the bra, and the individual manufacturer. I am not going to be a size 10 ever again. I think I'll be lucky if I manage a size 12 or 14, which is my goal for when I eventually lose weight.
Even though I want to lose weight, I am still a size 20 right now, with very large boobs. I believe I deserve to feel pretty, I deserve to look nice when I want to look nice, and I am sick and tired to death of wearing nothing but enormous t-shirts because none of my clothes fit and I can't find anything in the womens' department that does. Pepperberry, Bravissimo's clothing line, doesn't even go up to my waist size. In fact, the largest size they carry is a full 10 inches smaller than my waist.
This is incredibly frustrating for me. I feel like I am being told that I do not deserve to look or feel beautiful because I am a larger girl. I am told this everywhere I go. The last guy I went on a date with basically told me that while I was good for a quick fuck, I was not good enough to be a girlfriend because I am too fat. I am tired of this. I am tired of being laughed at, I am tired of being used, and I am tired of my size and weight being a "problem". It is not a problem, or at least it is not my problem. My only real problem with my body is that I can't find anything to fit it and that my weight is causing me some health problems. This is the primary reason I want to lose weight. Not so I can feel beautiful again, not so I can get honked at while walking down the street, but so I can run again, so my tendons stop hurting, so the weight of my chest doesn't cut off my ability to breathe. I didn't even start having health problems related to my weight until I got larger than a size 16.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and think I am beautiful without worry about whether I am "too fat". I want people to stop telling me there's something wrong with me. I want people to stop telling me that I should get a breast reduction. I want the opportunity to learn to love my body, my whole body. I deserve that. Every woman deserves to love herself for what she is and not what everyone thinks she should be.
(Next post will have a link round up and maybe a little bit of stuff about life, since I haven't posted anything in over a week.)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Telemarketer Torture and Sad Memories
Today has been kind of weird. I spent a good portion of the day talking to C, who I haven't really had the opportunity to talk to at great length in years due to circumstances, about recent and ancient history. There aren't a whole lot of people that I talk to now who knew me well when I was a teenager, so it's a bit of a different experience. I can't say E, LK, or JHB fit into that category - JHB never talks about much other than his interests, and I wasn't as close to him at the beginning of high school as I was to C.
Anyway, talking to someone who knew me so well during that time period is a little weird in some ways, but it's also pretty awesome. Anyway, that was the primary activity of the day, talking about all manner of subjects. We basically picked up the friendship where it got left off in 2005, except with higher maturity levels. It's different to talk to him now. I can't explain why, as I'm in a weird state of mind and I'm having a hard time stringing a sentence together.
S tortured a telemarketer for 20 minutes today. He wouldn't let her hang up, so it's his own fault. He was really desperate for her to pay for a vacation to Branson. Eventually the Toddler got bored, and this resulted in a lot of noise between me trying to contain him and him screaming, and it became a hilarious phone conversation with a really weird telemarketer who wouldn't let her hang up. She kept telling him she didn't have money for that, and he'd suggest J was hiding money or that maybe I was hiding money, and suggested she tell the Toddler to go play in the sandbox and told her how he teases his kids with telling them to play in traffic. Seriously crazy telemarketer. Actually, at one point, I shouted at her that the kitchen was on fire in an attempt to get him to let her hang up.
The Toddler nearly broke the TV screen today because he decided to start smacking it. Fun.
J woke up really early today, when I was laying the Toddler down for a nap, so once the Toddler got up, I was really excited, thinking I'd finally have the opportunity to fold the laundry in peace, but I only managed the kids' laundry before J came in to say he needed to take a nap, so I still have about five loads of laundry to fold. Crap.
Today's been boring. As usual. I think I may watch Firefly again tonight while folding laundry so I can get it put the hell away. Speaking of putting laundry away, I'm really annoyed with Girl Child, who won't let me put her laundry away and won't do it herself. I had that dresser completely neat and she dumped everything out of it all over everywhere in her room. And she's hogging a good basket because she won't put away the clothes I just folded for her. Ridiculous.
I really need to get enough sleep consistently every night. I'm always so tired. And I'm having memory problems, which may or may not be related to lack of sleep. I completely forgot what happened this morning.
My ex-fiance sent my stuff back to me from England, and it arrived this morning. Two mugs I'd forgotten about (he forgot the fridge magnets, though, which upsets me a little, but I'll live), some clothes, a crocheting project I started in 2007 and never finished, a bathing suit that's way too small for me, a purse I'd forgotten about leaving there, and the bucket we collected seashells and sea glass in when we went to Scarborough. This was the only thing that made me cry. It was broken when it arrived, too, so it had to be thrown away. The Toddler kept trying to steal it from me. I hadn't expected it to be so painful, getting all that stuff back.
Anyway. There's really not much to say after that. It's really too bad this is such a depressing note to leave this on, but there isn't much more to say. I feel like crap. Today was just totally lame. There were good parts, but my current state of mind says that today was a really dumb day. I think I just need to sleep. I'm just exhausted and kind of crabby. Hopefully I'll have something interesting to write about in a day or two when I stop feeling like this.
Anyway, talking to someone who knew me so well during that time period is a little weird in some ways, but it's also pretty awesome. Anyway, that was the primary activity of the day, talking about all manner of subjects. We basically picked up the friendship where it got left off in 2005, except with higher maturity levels. It's different to talk to him now. I can't explain why, as I'm in a weird state of mind and I'm having a hard time stringing a sentence together.
S tortured a telemarketer for 20 minutes today. He wouldn't let her hang up, so it's his own fault. He was really desperate for her to pay for a vacation to Branson. Eventually the Toddler got bored, and this resulted in a lot of noise between me trying to contain him and him screaming, and it became a hilarious phone conversation with a really weird telemarketer who wouldn't let her hang up. She kept telling him she didn't have money for that, and he'd suggest J was hiding money or that maybe I was hiding money, and suggested she tell the Toddler to go play in the sandbox and told her how he teases his kids with telling them to play in traffic. Seriously crazy telemarketer. Actually, at one point, I shouted at her that the kitchen was on fire in an attempt to get him to let her hang up.
The Toddler nearly broke the TV screen today because he decided to start smacking it. Fun.
J woke up really early today, when I was laying the Toddler down for a nap, so once the Toddler got up, I was really excited, thinking I'd finally have the opportunity to fold the laundry in peace, but I only managed the kids' laundry before J came in to say he needed to take a nap, so I still have about five loads of laundry to fold. Crap.
Today's been boring. As usual. I think I may watch Firefly again tonight while folding laundry so I can get it put the hell away. Speaking of putting laundry away, I'm really annoyed with Girl Child, who won't let me put her laundry away and won't do it herself. I had that dresser completely neat and she dumped everything out of it all over everywhere in her room. And she's hogging a good basket because she won't put away the clothes I just folded for her. Ridiculous.
I really need to get enough sleep consistently every night. I'm always so tired. And I'm having memory problems, which may or may not be related to lack of sleep. I completely forgot what happened this morning.
My ex-fiance sent my stuff back to me from England, and it arrived this morning. Two mugs I'd forgotten about (he forgot the fridge magnets, though, which upsets me a little, but I'll live), some clothes, a crocheting project I started in 2007 and never finished, a bathing suit that's way too small for me, a purse I'd forgotten about leaving there, and the bucket we collected seashells and sea glass in when we went to Scarborough. This was the only thing that made me cry. It was broken when it arrived, too, so it had to be thrown away. The Toddler kept trying to steal it from me. I hadn't expected it to be so painful, getting all that stuff back.
Anyway. There's really not much to say after that. It's really too bad this is such a depressing note to leave this on, but there isn't much more to say. I feel like crap. Today was just totally lame. There were good parts, but my current state of mind says that today was a really dumb day. I think I just need to sleep. I'm just exhausted and kind of crabby. Hopefully I'll have something interesting to write about in a day or two when I stop feeling like this.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The Rambliest Post Ever
So I haven’t bothered writing a post at all this week. This week has kind of sucked. I’ve been completely sleep-deprived for the last two or three days, and we’re out of cigarettes (and I’m not sure if we’re getting more or if only J is going to be smoking from now on), so I’m a real treat to be around right now.
I’ve almost completely finished all the laundry that was taken downstairs, though, so as long as I maintain it a little better, we won’t end up with a laundry mountain taking over the hallway again.
I spent three days working on a new Sharpie art piece - I don't have a photo of the completed version (and I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with the completed version), but I do have a photo of it as it was right before I finished it off.
I've also got photos of the crazy line drawing and the slightly schizophrenic-looking one that I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned previously. I'm going to put those in the photo gallery instead, though, I think. The crazy picture up above I'm thinking about uploading to DeviantArt as a work in progress photo since it's been months since I added anything to my profile.
Anyway, Thursday and yesterday were particularly bad in this incredibly fun week. Girl Child had a friend over for a sleepover, which wasn't a problem, she's actually been working on cleaning her room, so S said she could have her over. The problem came when Girl Child basically seems to have decided that since her friend is over, she can treat me any way she wants, regardless of the fact that I am an adult and she is not. So the last two days have been nothing but us sniping at each other because I've finally cracked. She completely overreacts to everything I say and do, even when I'm being perfectly lovely to her, so I'm done trying to be nice, at least until she adjusts her damn attitude and starts showing me some respect, because I'm sick of her crap.
Today, S and the Toddler are going out to meet up with a friend of S's, AC, for a little while, since it's been awhile since they've seen each other. He's almost doubled in size (or at least it seems that way to me) since AC last saw him in October.
Sunshine is slowly starting to get back to normal, so maybe she won't need to be put down after all. She's sort of started wagging her tail again, and wagging her butt sometimes, too. Unfortunately, she's also started being food aggressive toward Shadow again, even when he's nowhere near the food. And for fuck's sake, we don't starve her! There is always food available. Dumbass dog.
My hair is about as long as it was in March of 2010, so I'm a little over a year behind where I would have been if I hadn't ever cut it, so at least there's that. In about another year, it'll be waist-length, so in about two years, it'll be about to where I want it. It's starting to look thicker, so maybe this not-dyeing thing is working out for me.
I don't particularly have anything of substance I want to write about. I'm feeling particularly anti-social today.
I'm hoping to soon be able to get my learner's permit so I can start to get the hang of driving again - I discussed it with S a week or so ago and mentioned that if I got it in July, I could try for my license in October - I'm hoping to have my license before next spring, because S is planning on having a medical procedure done that would render her unable to drive for over a month, and the entire household would disintegrate if she didn't have a substitute driver. Seriously, no bills would get taken care of, we would starve and die, J would never again get a prescription filled, and the car would eventually run out of gas or something. Of course, we'd have starved and died by then, but still. So it would probably be preferential for me to have a license so I can help in that way - plus, that would enable me to have a bit more independence - I could also get a job further away once I find a job nearby that I can use to get enough money to buy a car.
I was so angry at the couch the other night that I coated it in tape so it would stop falling on me. I hate sleeping on it, we were supposed to get a new couch four months ago, but shit kept happening and we never were able to get one. So I took a roll of packing tape that I had downstairs from a move and taped the cushion fabric to the top of the couch frame. I think, since S and the Toddler are out of the house, I may remove the tape and nail it up there for a more permanent solution, at least until we get a new couch. We're basically going to have to completely take this couch apart when we get rid of it to find all the crap we've lost inside of it.
This week has been crap. The only reason I sound so damn cheerful half the time is because that's just how I sound these days - I don't think there's a power in the 'verse could stop me being cheerful for long. This is what happens when you decide that you are going to be happy no matter what. Eventually you stop trying to seem happy and just are happy. And funnily enough, after writing all this down, I'm a lot less cranky and angry than I was when I started, so maybe that's another little nugget of wisdom I've learned: don't bottle everything up, find an outlet.
The weather here is awful, I wish it was winter again. All my clothes that look good on me are too warm for me to wear unless it's 20 degrees outside. It's currently over 90, and even with the air conditioning on, I feel like I'm melting. I'm wearing my oldest, rattiest pajama pants and an ancient t-shirt, so I should be fine, but my stupid body is convinced that it's actually on fire. (I've had these pajama pants since 8th grade, actually - I got the set specifically for pajama day at Sumner, and the only reason I can still wear them is because the elastic is basically exploded.)
I love the music that M makes - this particular song simultaneously makes me feel like my heart is swelling and makes me think of Jurassic Park. What a combination.
I'm experimenting with not messing with my fingernails at all unless they get a snag, and am working on breaking myself of the only relic of biting my nails - sucking on them. They're still very thin and bendy, and I hope they eventually get hard if I stop putting them in my mouth and idly playing with them, but right now they're like kitten claws - flexible and sharp.
Yesterday, S and I were introduced to a new way to play the Bad Translate game by my friend CN. There's an online tool that does the translation transitions for you, so 10 translations, 20, 30, 40, 50, or 56 - and there are often hilarious results. S and I spent most of yesterday playing with it, writing stream of consciousness passages, nonsensical sentences, and weird phrases to see what we would get. For example, if you input, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," and tell it to translate that sentence 50 times, it comes back with, "Fox Brown cloth." I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it's pretty funny.
I require more coffee and I am interested to see if we have any canned pumpkin in the house at all, because I'm interested in completely winging a pumpkin cake. Since I'm awesome like that. I just wish I wasn't so tired. I hope today doesn't suck as much as yesterday did.
I’ve almost completely finished all the laundry that was taken downstairs, though, so as long as I maintain it a little better, we won’t end up with a laundry mountain taking over the hallway again.
I spent three days working on a new Sharpie art piece - I don't have a photo of the completed version (and I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with the completed version), but I do have a photo of it as it was right before I finished it off.
 |
| I haven't decided if I want to call this anything or not. It now has a few more ribbons of yellow and some more stars and a black background. |
I've also got photos of the crazy line drawing and the slightly schizophrenic-looking one that I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned previously. I'm going to put those in the photo gallery instead, though, I think. The crazy picture up above I'm thinking about uploading to DeviantArt as a work in progress photo since it's been months since I added anything to my profile.
Anyway, Thursday and yesterday were particularly bad in this incredibly fun week. Girl Child had a friend over for a sleepover, which wasn't a problem, she's actually been working on cleaning her room, so S said she could have her over. The problem came when Girl Child basically seems to have decided that since her friend is over, she can treat me any way she wants, regardless of the fact that I am an adult and she is not. So the last two days have been nothing but us sniping at each other because I've finally cracked. She completely overreacts to everything I say and do, even when I'm being perfectly lovely to her, so I'm done trying to be nice, at least until she adjusts her damn attitude and starts showing me some respect, because I'm sick of her crap.
Today, S and the Toddler are going out to meet up with a friend of S's, AC, for a little while, since it's been awhile since they've seen each other. He's almost doubled in size (or at least it seems that way to me) since AC last saw him in October.
Sunshine is slowly starting to get back to normal, so maybe she won't need to be put down after all. She's sort of started wagging her tail again, and wagging her butt sometimes, too. Unfortunately, she's also started being food aggressive toward Shadow again, even when he's nowhere near the food. And for fuck's sake, we don't starve her! There is always food available. Dumbass dog.
My hair is about as long as it was in March of 2010, so I'm a little over a year behind where I would have been if I hadn't ever cut it, so at least there's that. In about another year, it'll be waist-length, so in about two years, it'll be about to where I want it. It's starting to look thicker, so maybe this not-dyeing thing is working out for me.
I don't particularly have anything of substance I want to write about. I'm feeling particularly anti-social today.
I'm hoping to soon be able to get my learner's permit so I can start to get the hang of driving again - I discussed it with S a week or so ago and mentioned that if I got it in July, I could try for my license in October - I'm hoping to have my license before next spring, because S is planning on having a medical procedure done that would render her unable to drive for over a month, and the entire household would disintegrate if she didn't have a substitute driver. Seriously, no bills would get taken care of, we would starve and die, J would never again get a prescription filled, and the car would eventually run out of gas or something. Of course, we'd have starved and died by then, but still. So it would probably be preferential for me to have a license so I can help in that way - plus, that would enable me to have a bit more independence - I could also get a job further away once I find a job nearby that I can use to get enough money to buy a car.
I was so angry at the couch the other night that I coated it in tape so it would stop falling on me. I hate sleeping on it, we were supposed to get a new couch four months ago, but shit kept happening and we never were able to get one. So I took a roll of packing tape that I had downstairs from a move and taped the cushion fabric to the top of the couch frame. I think, since S and the Toddler are out of the house, I may remove the tape and nail it up there for a more permanent solution, at least until we get a new couch. We're basically going to have to completely take this couch apart when we get rid of it to find all the crap we've lost inside of it.
This week has been crap. The only reason I sound so damn cheerful half the time is because that's just how I sound these days - I don't think there's a power in the 'verse could stop me being cheerful for long. This is what happens when you decide that you are going to be happy no matter what. Eventually you stop trying to seem happy and just are happy. And funnily enough, after writing all this down, I'm a lot less cranky and angry than I was when I started, so maybe that's another little nugget of wisdom I've learned: don't bottle everything up, find an outlet.
The weather here is awful, I wish it was winter again. All my clothes that look good on me are too warm for me to wear unless it's 20 degrees outside. It's currently over 90, and even with the air conditioning on, I feel like I'm melting. I'm wearing my oldest, rattiest pajama pants and an ancient t-shirt, so I should be fine, but my stupid body is convinced that it's actually on fire. (I've had these pajama pants since 8th grade, actually - I got the set specifically for pajama day at Sumner, and the only reason I can still wear them is because the elastic is basically exploded.)
I love the music that M makes - this particular song simultaneously makes me feel like my heart is swelling and makes me think of Jurassic Park. What a combination.
I'm experimenting with not messing with my fingernails at all unless they get a snag, and am working on breaking myself of the only relic of biting my nails - sucking on them. They're still very thin and bendy, and I hope they eventually get hard if I stop putting them in my mouth and idly playing with them, but right now they're like kitten claws - flexible and sharp.
Yesterday, S and I were introduced to a new way to play the Bad Translate game by my friend CN. There's an online tool that does the translation transitions for you, so 10 translations, 20, 30, 40, 50, or 56 - and there are often hilarious results. S and I spent most of yesterday playing with it, writing stream of consciousness passages, nonsensical sentences, and weird phrases to see what we would get. For example, if you input, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," and tell it to translate that sentence 50 times, it comes back with, "Fox Brown cloth." I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but it's pretty funny.
I require more coffee and I am interested to see if we have any canned pumpkin in the house at all, because I'm interested in completely winging a pumpkin cake. Since I'm awesome like that. I just wish I wasn't so tired. I hope today doesn't suck as much as yesterday did.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The Longest Week That Ever Was
So we're officially not going to be playing the D&D campaign we've been playing anymore, because W and A haven't been able to consistently show up on time in weeks. I know they're busy, but ...
I'm just really disappointed. I was really excited about this campaign and interested in seeing how the story would play out, and I'm upset that I may never get to find out what happens next, especially as I was actually starting to get sort of good at playing.
Anyway. Today has been kind of a bad day - the car broke, and they're having to have that fixed this weekend in anticipation of J going to work on Tuesday. He's got Sunday and Monday off, though, for Father's Day and J and S's wedding anniversary. I'm going to be taking the kids on a long walk/trip to the park, and texting to see if the coast is clear before we return. Lots of water we will need. Yes.
I'm still in a lot of pain from the whole "let's risk my life for Sunshine thing" - I damaged the plantar fascia tendon in both feet because of sprinting in untied shoes without arch support. I didn't do near as much damage as S did to her foot in May, but it's quite enough to be going on with, especially with all the muscle pain and the other tendon pain I'm experiencing from that. At least I know I can still sprint when I need to, I guess. Oh, and for extra fun, I've finally started menstruating again after three months. (I know, squick, sorry.) I'm worried there's something wrong with me, but it could also be my weight or how stressful the last three years have been, or maybe something got broken when I had the miscarriage in 2009. I don't know. I hope it's just being all funky for no reason, though. That'd be nice.
Sunshine seems to be doing a little better. She's still being much more timid than usual, and she can't wag her whole butt at all right now (though she wags just the end of her tail a little bit when we pet her right after giving her her meds), but she's been a bit less stiff today, which I'm going to take as a good sign. Also, I've discovered that since she can't scratch her own itches at all right now, if I scratch her ears, I can make her moan, which is hilarious. I love those damn dogs so much. Shadow's just been himself, though I think he's being a bit more gentle with Sunshine now than he was on Thursday - he tried to play with her and flipped her onto her back and she screamed, it was scary. Anytime someone happens to say "where is it" about anything at all, he comes running, thinking we've got the laser out.
Today was pretty boring, actually, beyond the whole car thing. It feels like that didn't even happen today because today has been such a long day, even though nothing really happened today at all. I've been particularly tired all day (espresso didn't even help), and rather moody as well. I'm sure I'm just a barrel of laughs right now.
W and A were here for a couple of hours without LW because he's actually visiting his mother for once this weekend, and we just hung out because J couldn't even remember what he wanted to do for the dungeon we were about to go into. I don't know why he didn't write it all down like he did the last one, but whatever floats his boat, I guess.
I'm worried about C.
I haven't been sleeping well at all the last few weeks. I'm always tired, but I can't seem to fall asleep, and once I manage to get to sleep, I sleep so lightly that everything wakes me up, so I'm barely getting any sleep at all, and that's not helping my mood, so I've been probably a bit unnecessarily cranky lately.
This week feels like it's been about three weeks long.
I'm just really disappointed. I was really excited about this campaign and interested in seeing how the story would play out, and I'm upset that I may never get to find out what happens next, especially as I was actually starting to get sort of good at playing.
Anyway. Today has been kind of a bad day - the car broke, and they're having to have that fixed this weekend in anticipation of J going to work on Tuesday. He's got Sunday and Monday off, though, for Father's Day and J and S's wedding anniversary. I'm going to be taking the kids on a long walk/trip to the park, and texting to see if the coast is clear before we return. Lots of water we will need. Yes.
I'm still in a lot of pain from the whole "let's risk my life for Sunshine thing" - I damaged the plantar fascia tendon in both feet because of sprinting in untied shoes without arch support. I didn't do near as much damage as S did to her foot in May, but it's quite enough to be going on with, especially with all the muscle pain and the other tendon pain I'm experiencing from that. At least I know I can still sprint when I need to, I guess. Oh, and for extra fun, I've finally started menstruating again after three months. (I know, squick, sorry.) I'm worried there's something wrong with me, but it could also be my weight or how stressful the last three years have been, or maybe something got broken when I had the miscarriage in 2009. I don't know. I hope it's just being all funky for no reason, though. That'd be nice.
Sunshine seems to be doing a little better. She's still being much more timid than usual, and she can't wag her whole butt at all right now (though she wags just the end of her tail a little bit when we pet her right after giving her her meds), but she's been a bit less stiff today, which I'm going to take as a good sign. Also, I've discovered that since she can't scratch her own itches at all right now, if I scratch her ears, I can make her moan, which is hilarious. I love those damn dogs so much. Shadow's just been himself, though I think he's being a bit more gentle with Sunshine now than he was on Thursday - he tried to play with her and flipped her onto her back and she screamed, it was scary. Anytime someone happens to say "where is it" about anything at all, he comes running, thinking we've got the laser out.
Today was pretty boring, actually, beyond the whole car thing. It feels like that didn't even happen today because today has been such a long day, even though nothing really happened today at all. I've been particularly tired all day (espresso didn't even help), and rather moody as well. I'm sure I'm just a barrel of laughs right now.
W and A were here for a couple of hours without LW because he's actually visiting his mother for once this weekend, and we just hung out because J couldn't even remember what he wanted to do for the dungeon we were about to go into. I don't know why he didn't write it all down like he did the last one, but whatever floats his boat, I guess.
I'm worried about C.
I haven't been sleeping well at all the last few weeks. I'm always tired, but I can't seem to fall asleep, and once I manage to get to sleep, I sleep so lightly that everything wakes me up, so I'm barely getting any sleep at all, and that's not helping my mood, so I've been probably a bit unnecessarily cranky lately.
This week feels like it's been about three weeks long.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A Tornado Outbreak Makes For a Crazy Week
This has been one hell of a week.
Last Sunday evening, an F5 tornado hit the city of Joplin, Missouri. This is the town that one of my friends, CG, lives in with her husband and daughter, and several of my friends have friends and family there. There are 139 confirmed dead already, and they haven’t even found everyone yet. Joplin isn’t exactly a small town, its population numbers somewhere around 50,000, and there’s a six-block section of the city, cut from west to east, that is just flattened. CG was barely missed, she lives two blocks north of where the really bad damage starts, and they came out of it with just some trees that needed to be removed, not even any broken windows. I know she’s lost at least three coworkers and some friends, I’m not too sure how many because it’s not like she’s got a counter up on her Facebook profile, and she’s been pretty quiet about it. I feel really terrible for her, I can’t imagine what that’s like, to lose so many people at once, to see your entire hometown ripped to shreds - I’ve been in a few close calls and one small tornado, which I think was an F2, when I was a toddler, but I’ve never witnessed firsthand that kind of destruction on that scale, or known I’d lost everything, that almost everyone I know has as well. Today is CG’s daughter’s second birthday. I was invited to the birthday party, but there’s no way I could get down there now, and I don’t think she could have made it all the way up here to pick me up, now that all this has happened.
I don’t really remember what happened on Monday. I think there was probably some stuff that happened, but damned if I can remember what occurred. It obviously wasn’t important. Apparently Monday was a void.
We bought a weather radio on Tuesday (the 24th), and got it all set up in time for us to have some lovely severe thunderstorms come in while I was babysitting the kids. I kept The Weather Channel on the whole night and watched as tornado after tornado hit Texas and Oklahoma and Arkansas, and another one just scraped by Joplin. The weather radio freaked out regularly about every 10 minutes or so because S didn’t get it programmed for our county until the next morning.
On Wednesday, there was an F0 tornado that went straight through the middle of Overland Park. It was actually a very large, wedge-shaped tornado, but it just didn’t have any oomph behind it, which was why there was almost no damage (some light tree damage was the extent, I believe), because it was large and slow-moving... We got so lucky. If it had had more power behind it, it would have completely destroyed Overland Park, more than likely. It passed by less than two miles from home, and S and I had to get J out of bed and downstairs and woke M up in the process and spent a good twenty minutes in the basement, and then stayed upstairs for the second set of sirens because it wasn’t going to pass remotely close to the house, or at least not close enough to worry about. (S could seriously be a meteorologist.)
Thursday was Girl Child’s last day of school. She did fantastically, as always, though her hair was... special. She and S teased it up that morning and made it crazy and … well, crazy, because she wanted to make a statement for the last day of school.
J brought AB home with him from work Thursday night, so she was there Friday when we all woke up. She’s a nice enough girl, but after awhile she’s a bit grating. Probably because she’s consistently a teenager in her behavior. She actually ended up irritating the crap out of me just by being there all day. I can see why S gets so sick of me sometimes. Anyway, we ended up taking her with us on our errands, most of which involved them staying in the car while I took the Toddler in with me wherever I was going because he cried when I left him in the car. I got the yarn I needed to finish my afghan, and pillow inserts for the matching pillows I’m making, and made a stop at Micro Center, and Wal-Mart - we were out of the house for about five hours and did not stop all day. Friday was exhausting.
Friday night, we started to start a new game of D&D, but it was taking forever for character creation because J was too busy playing Minecraft to remember that he was supposed to be explaining all this to AB, so S and I ended up going to bed once we got too tired to stay up any longer. I’m pretty sure AB isn’t smart enough to play D&D anyway, she can’t even spell charisma. I have generally found that most people who play D&D and are good at it are ridiculously smart. I hope I become a good player, though I have no illusions about my intelligence. I am not as smart as I was when I was in high school. I mean, I could still out-think most of the people I had the misfortune of attending high school with, but a potato could out-think some of those people. Anyway, W, S, and J are all ridiculously smart, and they are all good at D&D. I’m not sure AB will even be able to figure out what J is talking about half the time, unless he dumbs his explanation down a lot.
Yesterday was okay, W and A showed up on time, but then W went back to their apartment for an hour to look for A’s dice, so we still didn’t start until after 10:00, but we got the story advanced a little bit, at least. I’m finally starting to consistently remember how to do everything and am needing less and less help knowing what kind of die I need for a roll (though I have enough dice at this point that it is difficult to find the right kind just by them being camouflaged by all the other ones), and I’m getting pretty good at levelling my character up without any help. I imagine other stuff besides game-related stuff happened, but once again, the rest of the day is a blank.
Today hasn’t been very eventful. I was woken up by S asking me where the hell I put the Wheat Thins, but they were under J’s window for unknown reasons, which I knew but had no part in causing. Anyway, nothing important has happened today. I made cornbread so J could have lunch at work, I acquired some new music that I’m sorting through, and I baby-sat the Toddler for awhile this evening for about an hour and a half. He cried the entire time until I stripped him naked and let him lay on me and eat peaches. Toddlers are so freaking strange. The morning of the Overland Park tornado, he rubbed an entire handful of cottage cheese into his eye.
I’ve been incredibly cranky for most of the day, though apparently you wouldn’t know it. I am short on patience and I just want to bite off the head of whoever is foolhardy enough to bother me. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Probably a combination of not having any coffee this morning and we ran out of cigarettes this morning and because J has an e-cig, they’ve decided to stop buying them altogether, which leaves me quitting cold turkey and I am very unhappy about this because I don’t currently want to quit at all. I know it’s not really my choice - it’s not my money, if they don’t want to buy them, I can’t change that. Anyway, I’m irrationally and disproportionately angry about the whole thing in addition to feeling rubbed completely raw by being completely without cigarettes for almost the whole day. I’m actually really glad Girl Child is staying over at a friend’s house tonight, so I won’t randomly start yelling at her for absolutely no reason. That would suck, and she wouldn’t deserve it. At least I recognize this, which is why I've put in the earbuds and am not talking to anyone, because anytime I talk to anybody, I don't sound very nice.
I think another part of my problem is that I abstractly stopped writing this week, and I probably shouldn’t have. I don’t really have another outlet to just get some of this stuff out of my head, I don’t talk to anyone, ever, so it just gets internalized if I don’t write about it. Fun.
Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, we’ll see what happens then. Probably nothing. Tonight, my plans are to finish off this bag I’m making to keep my scrap yarn in and then move on to working on the squares for the afghan as soon as possible. I’m going to see if I can watch Orphan while crocheting, but I’ve never seen it, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I don’t generally do horror very well.
Last Sunday evening, an F5 tornado hit the city of Joplin, Missouri. This is the town that one of my friends, CG, lives in with her husband and daughter, and several of my friends have friends and family there. There are 139 confirmed dead already, and they haven’t even found everyone yet. Joplin isn’t exactly a small town, its population numbers somewhere around 50,000, and there’s a six-block section of the city, cut from west to east, that is just flattened. CG was barely missed, she lives two blocks north of where the really bad damage starts, and they came out of it with just some trees that needed to be removed, not even any broken windows. I know she’s lost at least three coworkers and some friends, I’m not too sure how many because it’s not like she’s got a counter up on her Facebook profile, and she’s been pretty quiet about it. I feel really terrible for her, I can’t imagine what that’s like, to lose so many people at once, to see your entire hometown ripped to shreds - I’ve been in a few close calls and one small tornado, which I think was an F2, when I was a toddler, but I’ve never witnessed firsthand that kind of destruction on that scale, or known I’d lost everything, that almost everyone I know has as well. Today is CG’s daughter’s second birthday. I was invited to the birthday party, but there’s no way I could get down there now, and I don’t think she could have made it all the way up here to pick me up, now that all this has happened.
I don’t really remember what happened on Monday. I think there was probably some stuff that happened, but damned if I can remember what occurred. It obviously wasn’t important. Apparently Monday was a void.
We bought a weather radio on Tuesday (the 24th), and got it all set up in time for us to have some lovely severe thunderstorms come in while I was babysitting the kids. I kept The Weather Channel on the whole night and watched as tornado after tornado hit Texas and Oklahoma and Arkansas, and another one just scraped by Joplin. The weather radio freaked out regularly about every 10 minutes or so because S didn’t get it programmed for our county until the next morning.
On Wednesday, there was an F0 tornado that went straight through the middle of Overland Park. It was actually a very large, wedge-shaped tornado, but it just didn’t have any oomph behind it, which was why there was almost no damage (some light tree damage was the extent, I believe), because it was large and slow-moving... We got so lucky. If it had had more power behind it, it would have completely destroyed Overland Park, more than likely. It passed by less than two miles from home, and S and I had to get J out of bed and downstairs and woke M up in the process and spent a good twenty minutes in the basement, and then stayed upstairs for the second set of sirens because it wasn’t going to pass remotely close to the house, or at least not close enough to worry about. (S could seriously be a meteorologist.)
Thursday was Girl Child’s last day of school. She did fantastically, as always, though her hair was... special. She and S teased it up that morning and made it crazy and … well, crazy, because she wanted to make a statement for the last day of school.
J brought AB home with him from work Thursday night, so she was there Friday when we all woke up. She’s a nice enough girl, but after awhile she’s a bit grating. Probably because she’s consistently a teenager in her behavior. She actually ended up irritating the crap out of me just by being there all day. I can see why S gets so sick of me sometimes. Anyway, we ended up taking her with us on our errands, most of which involved them staying in the car while I took the Toddler in with me wherever I was going because he cried when I left him in the car. I got the yarn I needed to finish my afghan, and pillow inserts for the matching pillows I’m making, and made a stop at Micro Center, and Wal-Mart - we were out of the house for about five hours and did not stop all day. Friday was exhausting.
Friday night, we started to start a new game of D&D, but it was taking forever for character creation because J was too busy playing Minecraft to remember that he was supposed to be explaining all this to AB, so S and I ended up going to bed once we got too tired to stay up any longer. I’m pretty sure AB isn’t smart enough to play D&D anyway, she can’t even spell charisma. I have generally found that most people who play D&D and are good at it are ridiculously smart. I hope I become a good player, though I have no illusions about my intelligence. I am not as smart as I was when I was in high school. I mean, I could still out-think most of the people I had the misfortune of attending high school with, but a potato could out-think some of those people. Anyway, W, S, and J are all ridiculously smart, and they are all good at D&D. I’m not sure AB will even be able to figure out what J is talking about half the time, unless he dumbs his explanation down a lot.
Yesterday was okay, W and A showed up on time, but then W went back to their apartment for an hour to look for A’s dice, so we still didn’t start until after 10:00, but we got the story advanced a little bit, at least. I’m finally starting to consistently remember how to do everything and am needing less and less help knowing what kind of die I need for a roll (though I have enough dice at this point that it is difficult to find the right kind just by them being camouflaged by all the other ones), and I’m getting pretty good at levelling my character up without any help. I imagine other stuff besides game-related stuff happened, but once again, the rest of the day is a blank.
Today hasn’t been very eventful. I was woken up by S asking me where the hell I put the Wheat Thins, but they were under J’s window for unknown reasons, which I knew but had no part in causing. Anyway, nothing important has happened today. I made cornbread so J could have lunch at work, I acquired some new music that I’m sorting through, and I baby-sat the Toddler for awhile this evening for about an hour and a half. He cried the entire time until I stripped him naked and let him lay on me and eat peaches. Toddlers are so freaking strange. The morning of the Overland Park tornado, he rubbed an entire handful of cottage cheese into his eye.
I’ve been incredibly cranky for most of the day, though apparently you wouldn’t know it. I am short on patience and I just want to bite off the head of whoever is foolhardy enough to bother me. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Probably a combination of not having any coffee this morning and we ran out of cigarettes this morning and because J has an e-cig, they’ve decided to stop buying them altogether, which leaves me quitting cold turkey and I am very unhappy about this because I don’t currently want to quit at all. I know it’s not really my choice - it’s not my money, if they don’t want to buy them, I can’t change that. Anyway, I’m irrationally and disproportionately angry about the whole thing in addition to feeling rubbed completely raw by being completely without cigarettes for almost the whole day. I’m actually really glad Girl Child is staying over at a friend’s house tonight, so I won’t randomly start yelling at her for absolutely no reason. That would suck, and she wouldn’t deserve it. At least I recognize this, which is why I've put in the earbuds and am not talking to anyone, because anytime I talk to anybody, I don't sound very nice.
I think another part of my problem is that I abstractly stopped writing this week, and I probably shouldn’t have. I don’t really have another outlet to just get some of this stuff out of my head, I don’t talk to anyone, ever, so it just gets internalized if I don’t write about it. Fun.
Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, we’ll see what happens then. Probably nothing. Tonight, my plans are to finish off this bag I’m making to keep my scrap yarn in and then move on to working on the squares for the afghan as soon as possible. I’m going to see if I can watch Orphan while crocheting, but I’ve never seen it, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I don’t generally do horror very well.
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