Dead Blog

So I figured it's probably safe at this point to post this.  I don't think my mother still has the link (or I hope not), so I feel it's safe enough to point anyone who sees this in the direction of the new blog.  I created a new blog and abandoned this one to escape my mother in every aspect of my life that I could possibly manage.  I got tired of being verbally abused on every social media site I used.  (I also completely deleted my old Facebook and sent her the sim card to my old cell phone and never gave her my new address when I moved.)

Anyway, that's why this blog stopped being updated.  And life got ridiculously busy over the course of the last couple years.  And I suck and don't write as much as I'd like.  Here's the link to the new blog:

http://thecrochetingmeteorologist.blogspot.com/

Bizzaro Land

The other day, I was sleeping. I often do this. I was, however, having a dream. About my work. Here it is.

First of all, I was swimming in the snow. No, I don't know why, but I was trying to get somewhere or do something, and one of my CSMs, we'll call him Cornrows Guy because of his hairdo (those of you reading this who work with me know exactly who this is), was about 7 feet tall and yelling at me to hurry. There was also some sort of wooden platform structure thing, but I'm not sure what was up with that. I was seriously trying to maneouver in like five feet of snow. It was ridiculous. Then suddenly, as dreams do, I was in some store (NOT my work, it was more like TJ Maxx or Ross), and I was walking behind my sister (who happened to be Christina Aguilera) and we were arguing about something involving my wedding and her stealing the show, and we started pelting each other with beauty products, which was when the area we were in turned into the express registers on the north side of my store, and it was covered in tiny travel deodorants and things like that and Christina Aguilera had really kinky blond hair cut short like Renee Zellweger's was in Chicago, and we were really mad and there was more pelting, and then I started to wake up a little, and the dream turned into a lucid dream and I started freaking out because we had made all this mess at my work and I was trying to clean it up and then I realized that I should tell a CSM about it and then I realized that it wouldn't matter because of the security cameras and then I went to go tell a CSM that is no longer a CSM (Buzzcut Guy!), and as I was about to cry at him with handfuls of deodorant in my hands, I woke up.

I am crazy.

This is Probably Not the Update You Were Looking For

I can't talk to anyone about how I am feeling, because that would signify weakness, and I can't be weak. I have to be strong, for myself and everyone around me. I can't tell anyone that I'm the saddest person in the world. I don't even have anything to be sad about. I'm pathetic. I'm nothing. I'm useless. Every day, I get closer and closer to that moment. And then, will I be too much of a coward to actually...?

I don't want to die.

I can't be in my own head anymore. No one can hear me. No one can see me. I am not me. I don't feel like a person.

I have no reason to be in this much pain.

Nerdy Book-Loving Girl

It's been awhile.  I'm completely exhausted.  I'm moving again at the end of May.  I have a job, I don't remember if I've mentioned that.

Honestly, I kind of don't care about playing catch-up right now.  Probably because I've had 3 hours of sleep and I work 1-10 tonight.

I'm alive, I gave up on The Scarlet Letter and Mrs. Dalloway and whatever the hell else I was trying to read.  I'm currently reading Lord of the Rings, and it's actually really good.  There's a few parts that you really have to be awake for or they sort of slip by you and you have no idea what you just read because you mostly stared at it and turned the page, but other than that, it's excellent.  I keep running across words I don't know that Tolkein didn't make up, and I don't have a dictionary and I'm usually at work when this happens, so I may never expand my vocabulary at this rate.  In any case, I'm almost done with Two Towers and am making my way steadily to The Return of the King.  It's a one-volume book I got out of the library, since I was having issues finding Two Towers when I started getting close to being done with Fellowship, and so I switched to the one-volume set, and hope I didn't miss anything.

So, I'm supposed to go with MB to her friend's house today to do laundry while she dog-sits, and we're supposed to leave in about 5 minutes and she hasn't even taken a shower yet, so we might not be going.  Hopefully the dogs don't poop inside or anything if she's late.

Edit approximately 30 seconds after I clicked publish: MB is now in the shower, hahaha, so apparently my thoughts were a catalyst or something for her.  Heeh.

Anyway, my birthday was yesterday and now I'm 25.  I'm going to go get coffee and hope that I get to take a nap before work.

Gay Does Not Mean Second-Class

I stumbled across a news article today that I felt the need to address.  It was in Rolling Stone, about a town in Minnesota that has seen a sharp increase in teenagers committing suicide ever since the school district implemented a policy demanding staff remain completely neutral on topics involving homosexuality.  This policy was so vague that teachers and other members of staff became afraid for their jobs, and as such, they completely stopped acknowledging the existence of any sexual orientation that was not the accepted norm.  This in turn led to the administrators and staff members of the schools in this district to ignore bullying related to homosexuality and tell students who complained about bullying to just ignore it.

They failed thousands of kids.

Not only did they fail the many kids who were bullied for their sexual orientation, but they failed the kids doing the bullying.  These kids were taught that it was okay to treat people that identify as gay as second-class citizens.  I am afraid of what their future holds, as well.

According to the article, over 700 kids in this school district were evaluated for serious mental health issues in the 2010-2011 school year alone.  These kids were having suicidal thoughts, cutting, and showing symptoms of depression.  Some of them were even hospitalized.  The policy was put into place in 2009.

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Some of the kids who died were as young as 13.  I cannot describe the horror I feel at knowing that someone so young is now gone simply because they did not have the support system available to them to be able to cope.  I want to do something.  I want to help.  And I know I can't really do anything - I haven't the money, or the time, or the transportation to do anything that would have any effect.  I don't know how to be a mentor.  I don't know how to change laws, or fix things.

There was a web comic that covered this topic in November of 2010.  I want to have giant posters made of this comic and hang one up in every middle and high school in this country.  I want these kids to know that it does get better, that high school is most assuredly not the peak of your life, because if it is, that's just sad.  There is so much more they can be, there is so much more they can do, if only they give themselves the chance to achieve it, to see it.  I want them to see that they will be stronger, more interesting people after high school than their bullies, and they will go on to soar if they stick it out.

I want them to know it gets better.